Farmer High

Photo by Bala Heller Adderall is cocaine for rich people. It’s an amphetamine more powerful than Ritalin and steadier than speed. It lasts so long, in fact, we recommend breaking open one of the pills Contac C style and only doing small “sprinkles” at a time (break them up with your front teeth to kill the time delay). Once you get your fix it’s intense. Like cocaine without the jaw grinding and farts (AKA like cocaine without the gasoline). Within about five minutes of chewing it your eyelids peel back like banana skins and you become so focused and intense you are basically you times 10,000.

Instead of relying on stupid celebrities that can’t handle their shit, we decided the best person to test the drug on was a Canadian farmer. We had to mail it to him since Canada has recently banned the drug because of 20 people dying of heart attacks. VICE: How’d it go? Canadian Farmer: At first I thought you guys were babying me by saying to only do a sprinkle. I wasn’t getting shit. Then I upped the dosage to a third of a pill (10 mg) and I was off. Holy shit—I was like super-farmer. What about the sex? Whenever we do it we eat so much ass that by the time we’re done it looks like a baby’s mouth yawning. I’m not into that but I did do stuff with my wife I hadn’t done in a long time. What were you like on the farm? Jesus Christ. I was a machine. Right now I’m cultivating my sugar bush. To do that right you have to give a few trees a lot of space. But maple trees are really good at seeding around themselves so their natural tendency is to grow in dense groups. Lately a typical morning for me is to go down there, fill the chainsaw with gas, and chop down excess trees until the gas runs out. That’s usually about two hours of grueling work that leaves me pretty exhausted. On Adderall, however, I was a chainsawing machine. I kept filling up the chainsaw again and again and just ripping through the trees like they were made of licorice. I must have gone for five hours straight. Then I went on and did the rest of my chores with uncanny aplomb. I literally did three weeks’ work in one day. Were your eyes golf balls? I don’t think I blinked the entire time.