The Wide World of Balls - Haha, Dude Got Hit in the Sack!

Screw keeping up with sports. Who, besides nerds, has the time? Why not read use our knowledge of balls to hobnob with the weird regular people at the carpet shampooing place, friendly skinheads, the guy who washes your cat, women who are better than you, the incredibly rich, and so on.

NBA:

- Going into the second round of playoffs, it looked as though the Eastern Conference finals would definitely be the Heat versus the Celtics and the Western Conference would be totally wide open. It’s closer to the opposite:

- The Spurs swept Nick Young and the Clippers. Tim Duncan is insanely awesome and underappreciated. The Spurs are too. They’re also boring, but whatever, it’s free.

- Meanwhile, the Thunder are taking it to the Lakers, and Kobe Bryant isn’t happy about the criticism he’s been getting: “If I go out there and miss game winners, and people say, 'Kobe choked, or Kobe is seven for whatever in pressure situations.' Well, [expletive] you.” The thing is, choking isn’t really real; the only writers who reference it are hacks. On the other hand, Kobe should maybe worry about winning games than what people are saying about him?

- Out East, The Celtics have a sleepy offense and are being tested; The Heat are fucking up, or were, mainly because of Gabrielle Union. Of course, LeBron James and Dwyane Wade had insane games Sunday, combining for 70 points and both shooting over 50 percent. This bum (he was in MCA’s basketball movie) was implying LeBron was a choker, but luckily, LeBron’s teammate and my great grandfather, Juwan Howard set him straight. Wade gets hated on too, by Ozzie Guillen, who hates everything.

Soccer:

- Chelsea beat Bayern Munich in Germany on penalties for the Champions League title. It’s all about results over process, so, the coach is still on the hot seat. Here’s the Wikipedia page for Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich’s yacht.

- There was a great article in ESPN the Magazine about how Wayne Rooney is a genius, though there isn’t so much as one mention of hairplugs. Come on, Bristol.

MLB:

- MLB suspended a veteran umpire for “repeated violations” last week, which seems like a first. This is a big deal, though not as big a deal as Alex Gordon getting a ball in the nuts. Ha! Ball in the nuts!

- Brett Lawrie got squeezed on a shitty strike-two call and then called out on a similarly rough pitch. He lost his shit and spiked his helmet down on the ground, and it flicked the ump. People were pissed! But he got off relatively scot-free, with just a four-game suspension. Because of that, he didn’t appeal.

- Manny Ramirez, one of the greatest right-handed hitters of his generation, and certainly the most engaging, began his ten-game Triple-A assignment on Friday, so if all goes well, he’s in Oakland early next week. Jose Canseco, one of the better power hitters of his generation, and the least engaging, most terrible Twitter account since that horse with Tourette’s syndrome, debuted in Newark. Manny has the chance to be good this year. Canseco is just awful.

- Albert Pujols hit a couple of home runs! Everything is OK, just like I said. Alex Rodriguez, on the other hand…

- The Rangers are unveiling an awesome ballpark frank on Friday: It’s two feet long.

NHL:

- The Rangers had a rough loss and their prick coach outdid himself in the press conference, but it worked, since they won the next one.

NFL:

- Jonathan Vilma, linebacker, has sued Roger Goodell for defamation. Is this a good idea? ESPN lawyer dude Lester Munson says, he has a shot to get some leverage to shrink his suspension, that his lawyer is a sharp guy—some say otherwise—who did as well as could be expected when battling on behalf of Mike Vick’s bankruptcy case.

- Lawrence Taylor’s ring sold for $230,401. In a statement, LT said, “I’m glad I got this money, because I’m extremely broke and I want to buy more underage prostitutes.” Haha, just kidding! We’re pretty sure LT’s prostitutes are now fully-grown.

College Sports:

- The 40th anniversary of Title IX, the amendment that revolutionized—but never explicitly mentioned—collegiate athletics, is coming up. (Thank Title IX for athletic scholarships for women.) But some jerkoff California assemblyman says it came at the expense of male athletes and their scholarships, and college athletics is still the worst. But the games might be changing.

@samreiss_

Previously - May 7, 2012