Is It Weird When Pets Watch You Have Sex?

I used to date a guy who had a beautiful gray cat, and as a cat mommy myself, it pleased me to no end that I’d found a cat daddy to copulate with. That was until, midcoitus, I found myself face-to-face with said pussy.

As I eyeballed the cat that was sitting on the bed, mere inches from my face, staring me down while his daddy pounded me, I started to feel strangely uneasy.

“Um,” I pushed up on the hairy shoulders above me, “hang on a sec.”

“What’s wrong,” he asked.

“Your cat is staring at me.”

He laughed. “It’s OK. It’s just a cat. It doesn’t know what’s going on.”

“Yeah, but it’s unnerving. He’s just looking at me.”

“Just ignore him,” he said, kissing me. We kept having sex, but I couldn’t enjoy it, not with the cat just sitting there. The cat, its head cocked to the side, refused to break visual contact with me, let alone blink. It was sinister, contemplative, as if it might be thinking, “Soon…” while concocting some diabolical plot to annihilate me. Or maybe it was just saving up for the spank bank, I don’t know.

Most people I’ve recalled the story to have said things like “it’s just an animal,” and “get over it,” but I have a mental block insofar as getting animal in front of animals. I find it distracting and bizarre. Here’s why.

Of Course It Knows What You’re Doing

There’s a reason they call sex an “animal instinct” because animals instinctively want to fuck, which makes them instinctively aware when there is fucking happening. THEY CAN SMELL YOUR PHEROMONES. Saying, “It’s just an animal. It doesn’t know any better,” is a useless argument. Even domestic pets have the same basic, primal wiring: eat, defecate, screw, sleep, repeat. If it were any other way, why would we even bother neutering our housebound pets?

Maybe It Will Try To Join In

Everyone has a “friend,” a “friend of a friend,” or a Russell Brand who has a story about feeling a nice wet sensation on their nutsack midsex, only to realize that a dog had somehow wandered into the room and decided to have a suckle. Having a gangbang with an animal is weird—and also illegal. Do not want.

Animals Are Perverts, Too

Have you ever met one of those dogs that loves smelling vaginas? Yes, of course you have, because I’m talking about every dog you’ve ever met. THEY CAN SMELL YOUR GENITALS. I used to date a guy whose roommate had a dog that was fixated on my vag—every time I walked in the house the damn dog was up in my business. Once I even tried spraying my bits with perfume to trick the dog, but it didn’t work, that’s how strong an animal’s instinctive perversion is. Sidenote: the same dog enjoyed eating used condoms, which has to qualify as some kind of weird semen fetish, right?

It’s Weird to Be Watched by Anything in a Nonsexual Way

Even if I’m wrong, and animals aren’t aware of sex, and they’re not actually gross little hornbags obsessed with the smell of vaginal discharge or gagging to get their mouths around a ballsack, I still think it’s weird to be watched having sex by a totally nonsexual bystander. Other things I don’t like being watched by when I’m having sex: babies, photos of my dad, my childhood teddy bear, pictures of Jesus (even though I’m not religious).

They Could Actually Be Highly Cognizant Beings

What if animals are completely aware, or worse, are aliens from another planet monitoring human behavioral patterns? Think about it. Maybe the whole ploy is to make you think they’re dumb as shit, but really they know EXACTLY what is going on, and they’re meticulously observing every action you make because they have a world-ending endgame that involves keeping humans in battery cages and forcing us to fuck to reproduce so they can use us as slaves to mine for minerals on inhospitable planets in faraway galaxies…

@kat_george

Previously:

Dudes: Avoid These Common Fingerbanging Mistakes

Rubbing One Out with a Roommate

'Bang with Friends' Will Not Revolutionize the Way We Get Laid