Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - The Letdown

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I went on a blind date with a girl and I thought we hit it off great. A few days later, I asked her out in a text and after not hearing from her, I sent an email. She still hasn't written back. Should I text her again? It's been over a week since I contacted her.

-Discardo Montalban

Hot Dog Lets You Down Softly

It hurts to get rejected. Not that I would know, my nickname is the Dump Truck—because you don’t dump a dump truck, it dumps you (that, and I have irritable bowel syndrome). But I did get turned down for a loan once so I’m assuming it feels something like that, only a million times worse and without the fancy letterhead. But enough about how attractive I am, remember, they call it being dumped for a reason: Because you are now a human trash pile. But there are benefits to not having any morale or self-respect left—you can do whatever you want and coat it all in the “I’m in mourning” excuse. Why not take a “ME” day? Wear sweatpants all day! Go to the park and punch a happy-looking jogger! It’s a fact that you can’t get arrested after having your heart broken as long as you yell, “I’m TREATING MYSELF TODAY!” while doing illegal things. But eventually you will have to move on… literally, you’ll have to move because you probably did some crazy shit that you’ll need to get away from. But after you move, use these helpful tips on how to finally get some closure with the “one who wasn’t”:

·  Why not make a gravestone for your short-lived relationship and have it delivered to her at work? Suggested inscription: “You got the Penne and I got the Ravioli but who knew it would be Pasta La Vista, Forever.” Then shoot yourself for bringing something so horrible into the world!

·  Eating is a great way to bury emotions! Why not buy a big pint of Ben and Jerry’s “Shit Cheese Incident” (Chocolate and cheesecake flavored ice cream with nuggets of patchouli!) and drown your sorrow in calories? Remember, I scream, you scream, we all scream, because life is an eternal wheel of suffering!

·  A good way to forget a broken heart is to join the military! Don’t worry about not knowing why you’re fighting this war, nobody knows!

The next step is moving on! The best way to move on is to let everybody you meet know that your heart was just broken! Ladies love to know that they’re simply a poor replacement for the person you REALLY want. Here’s some great ways to meet a new lady and forget your pain through awkward stranger sex:

·  “I just had my heart cleft in twain, might I do the same to your vagina?”

·  “You remind me of somebody I used to know. I’m sorry did I say ‘I used to know’? I meant ‘with big breasts.’”

·  “Hi, I’m Sean, but everybody calls me Deep Press Sean because that’s a funny way to say I have crippling depression. Wanna bonesies?”

Lady Bun Breaks It To You

Unless you’ve just asked the question, “Does my thong smell like clams?” the word “NO” is very difficult to hear. But what happens when you don’t hear anything at all and still feel rejected? This is commonly referred to as the “Invisible No,” which is also the way ghosts describe date rape. See ladies, it’s not technically rejection until he vocalizes it—and since guys are terrible at communicating, this could make your relationship last far longer than he planned. And sure, some people say not hearing from a guy is a clear signal, but to those people I say, fuck signals! I don’t even have a driver’s license! Below are some fun ways to get his attention without seeming too “stalky” (the action, not the body shape).

·  It is important to force an interaction with him. Why not open up a lemonade stand outside his apartment! After all, who can resist a fresh glass of ice-cold lemonade in the middle of February?!

·  Everyone opens letters from law firms. Have your lawyer serve him with papers that say something cute like, “You’ve been summoned to cuddle!”

·  Put up missing posters of his face all over town, and replace the “If Found” contact number with a picture of your vagina.

Chances are, these tactics will get his attention. However, the attention may not always be positive. Here are some easy ways to lighten up the mood after he finally tells you to leave him alone:

·  “I love our complicated relationship—it’s like the crisis in the Middle East with less sexual tension.”

·  “I’ll always cherish our time together, the way I cherish my childhood or a quirky ringtone.”

·  “I’ll never let go of what we shared. That’s why my towels stink.”

Previously - Saying I Love You

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com
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