Prolate Spheroid Preview
What I Want from the NFL in 2013
First of all, I want football to continue to happen and not cease to exist because the world has been swept by disease/war/starvation/robots and we no longer care about frivolous things like what large men do with an oddly shaped ball. Then I want Tim...
The NFL Is Terrible This Week
A whopping 13 games this week feature either two miserable teams flailing at each other like a bitter married couple going through the motions during an argument, or a really good squad that’s already secured a place in the playoffs and a toxic, tumor...
The Ennui of Raiders-Chiefs
"Will we remember this game any more or less than another when we are taking stock of our lives in our twilight years? Or is true meaning found in pursuits distant from the field: raising children, loving a wife, helping our neighbors in times of need...
RGIII Is Number I in Our Hearts
The Redskins quarterback is something to feel good about in football, finally—it’s fun to watch a star bring a franchise back into the public eye, it’s fun to see an offense utilize an individual’s talents that effectively, and it’s fun to see a set of...
Being Alex Smith Sucks
Football is a depressing sport, whether you're the Kansas City Chiefs, the lamely-named San Diego Chargers, Aaron Rodger's mustache, or Alex Smith, who lost his job just when everything was coming up Milhouse for him. Sad faces all around.
Shut Up and Give Thanks for Football
In our weekly picks, we give thanks for rap songs about the Broncos, Chad Henne highlight reels, .gifs, old beer ads, and Pogs. We do not give thanks for the Cowboys.
J! E! T! S! Mess Mess Mess!
I love it when Tim Tebow's teammates tell the media that he's terrible. I love it when Rex Ryan's wife makes foot fetish videos. I love the dysfunction and the abject failure and Mark Sanchez's terrible love life. Go Jets!
Offensive Lineman Dreams
Why would you want to be an offensive lineman? Who still wears Zubaz? Do people have sex with dolphins? What happens when a kicker has to poop? Does anything good happen at two in the morning? We answer these questions and pick NFL games.
Keep It Simple, Stupid Football Guys
In our weekly NFL picks column, we predict the outcome of the games, as well as the presidential election, and Tim Tebow's political career. We also discover a song about the Tennessee Titans and talk about the evolution, or devolution, of NFL offenses.
The Children Are Our Future… Quarterbacks
Are we going to give preschoolers with promising hand-eye coordination specially-designed steroids so that one day they can earn millions while trying to decapitate each other for our entertainment? Will we grow quarterbacks in vats and assign them...
There Aren’t Any Good NFL Teams This Year
“How about parity in the NFL?” a man says to another man as they sit on a park bench and watch the traffic in the distance. “Yes, parity,” the second man says. How can he put the love he feels for his friend into words? He can't. So he talks instead...
Hot Young Stud Quarterbacks
Now that there are a bunch of young guns who can play quarterback well, there’ll be a lot more exciting ball throwing happening. Which is good. Ignore the purists who bitch about change—remember when football was just 22 guys punching each other in the...