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DEAR VICE - FAN LETTERS

23.2.07

Hierbij een kort overzicht van alle leuke correspondentie die we van lezers kregen in onze brievenbus en inbox. Het is een behoorlijk gevarieerde zak! Zoals altijd zijn er mafkezen die het geweldig vinden om plaatjes uit magazines te knippen en ze op karton te plakken (een eigenschap waar broodnodig behoefte aan is op kantoor) Maar deze maand hebben we ook mailtjes ontvangen die een stuk verder gaan…


One girl sent us a bunch of cut out pictures and words in an envelope in a bid to persuade us to let her intern here for a few weeks. It seems like something a weird stalker guy would do before breaking into his victim's house, taking a shit in the sink, and then murdering them with a claw hammer and some cheese wire, but she assures us she's sane. She also kept calling and emailing a lot, but we're going to take her on for a little while next month, so I guess the nagging paid off.


We also received a poem from this girl pictured above. Here it is, complete with typos we haven't been bothered to change:

It slowly emerges its head out the stairs…its hands are wrapped tightly around the banister of the stairs trying to break free. Almost like a child wriggling its way out of a cot…she looks into the camera wanting you to empathy her. Her expression connotes this innocence this purity how can something of such innocence create this enigma? You become involved…and want to know more…who is she and what is she?  Her eyes become transfixed into yours, she wants to belong but doesn't Her long dark eyelashes flutter like a butterfly spreading its wings and then she creates a frown, which instantly wants you to reach out and rescue her from this misery this coldness and isolation Away from the outer world she sits in this coldness…this thing? You could almost call it her 'protector' her 'friend' some place she can escape to…rely on, talk to…feel at home and at ease. she weeps as she looks at her reflection in the mirror…afraid of what she can see…her mascara runs down her cheek leaving a charcoal smudge along her face, adding a bit of colour to her pale complexion…her eyes enlarge as she is faced with this image in front of her…not knowing how to understand the concept to what she is faced with, she carry's on weeping and weeping until she cannot weep any more. She slowly walks down the stairs in a distorted form unable to move properly she drags her legs and forces her body infront of her each step is a milestone closer to where she needs to be…but where?

Say Hello To Jean sent us this rant via MySpace and we are struggling to make sense of it. If you can decipher what he is rambling on about please leave a comment.
Dear Vice,
So this is final moment of truth HEY i am in drugs helo me n o fuck i need more space beacuise of you now time went so fast and m girldriend pregnant or bioyfreidn maybe i odnt know his name is JO han in my life there is musch confusion right now VICE maybe you CNA HELO me with my confusion are you the REAL VICE?? i think you sseeemeeeem help. . haha no but this isw really jean i know maybe you think this is not the real man but this is the real boy with feathers in hair and make up like big juicy lips and rouge on the cock…

HAHA YOU KNWO ME RIGHT VICE HAHA LIKE OLD PALS. I grow up weith you all my life. Any ways listen to my song it is my only song right now but mayube you want to listen to it and write a strory special story in your holy paper of vice. Right now I am in pain, i am sittingn in water with soda in my mouth. I am in a hotel right now maybe not so good with dirt in the pool. sometimes i think it is shitt. pure shit i t makes me so sad. i want to move to london and maybe we can hang out like old days like old pals. haha i love you all iu do is think vice i talk everyday to my fucking pals and every vicecuntry. I dont have any friends here anymore beacause they says jeanis ego man ego with big bizniz. my only frined is dj gougaud and secretes between me and you i dont like him. He is pure ass hole but dont tell him his mother is gorgesse. Pleease listen to my new track only special one on myspace pao pao pao blow blow all about the pink guns and glitter on pubical hair and confetti blown all in your mouth and buzz about trhe great leader of the limousin clublife white kidZZ WITH CRACK IN EYES ANED COCAIN JEAN with big big big machinegun in ass. JEAN IS HERE AND MAYBE A BIT KRHAZY BUT MAYBE YOU LOVE ME MAYBE YOU DO I THINK YOU DO I BELIVE YOU LOVE THE JEAN FROM INTERNAL FRANCE ALL OVER THE PLACE LIKE OPRAHS STOMICKE EHHHHAHAHAHAAHAHAH I CRACK JOIKJES MAYBE LIKE DAVID LENTERMAN. mauybe if you need help with jokes in your magazine you can call me. I can be very serious too like a fox. maybe like a fox on meth. see me in a bearvagina in the woods and call for me and i will be there for you. call me for success this is the story of my life please sprinkle me with champagne from champagne i will rise ass long ass you r with me in spirit of the holy god of dear sweet lord in heaven with spirits and love for everybody even for gougaud. Tell VICE GERMANY I wont work for them MUCH LOVE FROM CORRESPONDANT JEAN IN LIMOUSIN KISSES FROM BIG JUICY BLACK AND RED LIPS OF LOVE and heart with arrow. This is serious job aplication please I am depressed. I am crying inside. But now I am outside in the pool I think a girl is watching me i cannot cry please vice give me strenght. maybe send me your magazines???? thisd would make the world for me. this is jean from THE SWIMMING POOL MAYBE I WILL DROWN MYSELF WHO CARES SO DEPRESSED HELP ME NOW haha kidding I love you i love life i love bears with erect penis looks so funny XXX LOVE YOU VICE KISSES OF PURE PERVERSION.