Kelly’s Krush Korner – Laurie Henzel

It’s probably weird to write about the co-publisher of one magazine for a thing that’s gonna go up on the website for another magazine—kind of like a typed-out word version of the Ghostbuster’s proton packs crossing streams. The visual I get in my mind of that is trying to make one of those computer illustrations where you hit backspace backspace, dash, butthole sign, and make a picture of the Ghostbusters happen, but I didn’t know how to phrase it. I still don’t. To be honest, I think I should have taken a nap before writing this, but there’s no stopping me now.

My mom is a shit cake and used to punch me in the stomach and stuff, so for my whole life I’ve sought out strong, upstanding, creative women and latched on to them like a fungus. The first woman I did this with was a 17-year-old cosmetology student who lived down the street from me in Southern California when I was ten. I would come home from school every day, have some Little Debbies snacks or whatever, and then sit on the curb outside of her house and wait for her to need to come outside for some reason. When she did, I’d try to impress her by pretending to know karate, or showing her my new Babysitter’s Club book. She moved away shortly after teaching me about Depeche Mode, right when my life was really getting some meaning to it, and then I had no friends and would amuse myself by painting rocks and trying to sell them door to door, or making up lies to my classmates about being a witch. Some years went by and I traded in one form of nerdery for another, and started writing for Bust magazine, and that’s where I met Laurie Henzel, the coolest lady ever.

When you grow up being told that everything you do is annoying, retarded, and unnecessary, having someone tell you that you’re talented and funny is like crack.  Every time I would go into the Bust office to meet with Laurie I’d get such pleasure out of being able to check out the cool shit she had on her walls, and on her desk, and then maybe I’d accidentally make her laugh about something and it would fill me with happiness and confidence for the whole day. One time she went out of town and my girlfriend at the time and I housesat for her. I was real uptight about not messing anything up, and at one point my gf started to open Laurie’s underwear drawer and I floated/levitated across the room, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon style to stop her, and then I seriously considered breaking up with her and telling her to leave, even though we were in a LDR and she was visiting from Portland.

Here’s just a brief list of things that are awesome about Laurie Henzel:

1) She’s the co-publisher of a magazine, which is like a nerdy girl’s version of “astronaut.”

2) She wears really cool, humongous glasses.

3) She has really cool, humongous boobs (I’M SO SORRY!!!!)

4) She’s super funny and will teach me about YouTube comedians like that “look at the tree” guy.

5) Her husband used to take pictures of Nirvana and her daughters are really pretty and they go on rad vacations and stuff.

6) One time she told me that she was gonna go to a Sissy Bounce show and I tried to imagine her doing that butt dance that they do there, which is pretty cool.

7) She is currently on a book tour for a book she helped put together called The Bust DIY Guide to Life and you should buy it or I’ll tell my Mom to punch you in the stomach.

Previously - Ryan Buell

http://bust.com/