Let’s Talk About Those Insane New Seahawks Uniforms

On Tuesday, the NFL presented its new uniforms in a “gala celebration,” because it’s the NFL and it’s incapable of doing anything quietly or subtly. They had a massive rollout showcasing all 32 teams’ uniforms, despite 31 retaining basically the same look. The 32nd team, the Seahawks, got a pretty significant makeover, one being treated on the team website as if they grafted robotic exoskeletons onto their players—soon, not only will opposing teams have to fear for their lives, crime will be eradicated in Seattle by the RoboSeahawks.

According to the copy written for “THE NEW LOOK OF INTIMIDATION,” the “broad chest graphic echoes the fierce stance of the Thunderbird totem,” (the supernatural being, not the car) the “modified color scheme mirrors Pacific Northwest hues” (I’m from Seattle and let me tell you, neon green is everywhere), and the “hydrophobic material literally repels water so we can perform in the Seattle rain” (before now, when it rained, the team would slip and fall pathetically while their non-hydrophobic unis melted).

A lot of work went into making these outfits—the promotional “making of” video makes the uniform-creating process resemble a NASA mission to Mars, but with more advanced computers. Every detail was considered to an insane degree: The weird-looking doohickeys going down the sides of the pants are feathers (not “retarded W’s” as I initially assumed), and there are 12 of them to represent the “12th Man,” which is what the team calls its fans. That feather design shows up other spots and is “inspired by coastal Indian art,” an idea that probably sounded great in pitch meetings, but is something I, as a fan, do not give two poops about.

Other things that I don’t care about, but were mentioned in a press release about the uniforms, include “Flywire Technology,” “Zoned Mesh Ventilation,” “Stretch Twill Numbers,” “Customizable Baselayer Padding,” and an “Aluminum D-Ring Belt.” Granted, I don’t know what any of those things are. Maybe the players were clamoring for Zoned Mesh Ventilation for years and now they’re finally getting it. Whatever. As a fan and viewer, all I care about is that the uniforms for the team I habitually root for look like lame X-Men.

To be fair, they’re actually an improvement on some of the old uniforms, though that isn’t saying much. Previous Seahawks unis have made players look like monochromatic blue blobs and/or rec-league soccer players, so the “that guy in the Black-Eyed Peas who doesn’t have a lot going on” look isn’t the worst thing they could have done. Still, said uniforms have fallen a long way from the Steve Largent glory days, back when colors were solid, bird-logos were sad and wise instead of mean and neon-eyed, and not every design feature had to be explained by invoking Chinook mythology and space-age buzzwords.

The new uniforms—and the ‘roided-up rollout that accompanied them—just reminds everyone that although football is a game that people watch for fun, it is THE MOST SERIOUS THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Every tiny detail of what these GRIDIRON GLADIATORS wear on the FIELD OF BATTLE must be to exact specifications for MAXIMUM COMPETITIVENESS. When the league shows off its new uniforms to media people who are adults, they must have not only literal smoke and mirrors, but also lasers.

I guess a bunch of people worked really hard on these uniforms and it’s their job to spend hours on the vents in the helmets or whatever, and there are other people whose job it is to make promo videos that are completely fucking insane—the global post-industrial capitalist economy is crazy, ain’t it?—but damn, can we get rid of the dumb-looking neon, guys? Excuse me, “action green.” PS: Last season, the Seahawks lost their first two games by a combined score of 17-57. They need much more help than all the stretch twill numbers and wicking technology in the world can provide.

@HCheadle