​Studies Show I'm Worse Than I Thought

I thought I was only moderately depressed. Then I took four different online depression tests—Psychology Today, Mental Health America, Psych Central, and Depression.org—and they all said "severe depression." They were like "seek help." I was like, bitches I already have more help than a toddler. I have weekly therapy, a monthly psychiatrist, an emotional support dog (granted, my dog needs an emotional support dog too), antidepressants, two mentors, a daily gratitude list, and, despite my best efforts to avoid humans, a number of close friends with whom I can be truthful. I run, meditate daily, "journal" as verb, perform acts of service, and take good care of my sobriety.

I was kind of annoyed. How is it that I do so much work on myself and am still "severe"? I should at least be, like, in the 60th depression percentile. Is it ableist to want to be less depressed than you are? Am I ableist against myself?

Of course, these tests—despite their mutual agreement that I am the fucking bell jar—are multiple choice. They don't allow for nuance. So I decided to take a more holistic approach. I went ahead and created an AP version: a mélange of questions from each test, to be answered in written format. Below are my results.

1. How often have you been bothered by feeling down, depressed, irritable, or hopeless over the past two weeks?

I've never not been bothered by a feeling. As a person who has anxiety disorder in addition to depression, I experience any shift in emotion, sensation, or tick in the body as cause for alarm: the first step on the sudden, inexplicable death express. If the sensation, such as hopelessness, is somehow not a symptom of death, then it likely reflects a doomed, vaguely psychedelic downward spiral in which I will be trapped eternally like Alice down the rabbit hole if Alice forgot everything she learned in cognitive behavioral therapy. So yeah, you could say I'm a little on edge about it.

2. When you wake up in the morning, do you feel like there is anything to look forward to?

When I find myself looking forward to something, it's usually a bad idea. Most of the things I've looked forward to—drugs, alcohol, a crush, a massive food binge, an ambition or achievement, an object to be purchased—have either eventually tried to kill me, hurt me, or ended up being a disappointment. Sometimes I still create little missions via obsession in order to distract myself from the wide-open expanse of meaninglessness that spreads out before me. I find problems with myself—my skin, my hair, the sudden notion that no one likes me—and set about trying to fix them so as to create a finite sphere of meaning within the larger expanse of nothingness. I see others doing this with political affiliation, religion, fashion, career, and other constructions of identity. I see them fighting with one another over these constructions. I don't blame them for fighting. It's adrenaline-inducing and a great distraction from the abyss. There are only a few things I've looked forward to that for the most part haven't tried to kill me, hurt me, or become a huge disappointment: writing (sometimes), helping other people who share common afflictions (often), horses (mostly), dogs (usually), mountains (yes but they tried to kill me once), and going back to sleep.

3. Do you feel trapped or caught?

Well, considering that I never asked to be born…

4. Do you overanalyze your relationships with others, finding problems that don't really exist?

Mostly I just want to be left alone.

5. Have you been told that you are unusually irritable?

I learned to smile from a young age, so no one would ask what's wrong. My tendency is to take things out on myself rather than others. Everyone is annoying, but they're mostly doing the best they can (which is actually a scary thought when you see what people are doing). I'm kind of too self-centered to judge. Why find fault in others when there is so much wrong with me? That being said, I can spend about two hours maximum with the people I love the most, and then I need time to myself. If I don't get that physical space, I sort of retreat inward: either by going online or through my imagination.

6. Do you have a persistent feeling of emptiness?

I am a persistent feeling of emptiness.

7. Do you feel worthless?

I'm built like a sieve, wherein any validation I receive, achievement I reach, or good thing that happens quickly drains through me, and I am once again rendered empty. On the one hand, this might be seen as a form of wisdom, or non-attachment: an acknowledgement that nothing external is permanent. On the other hand, I'm not actually wise or detached, as I continue to strive for all of these things despite their ephemeral nature. I still want. I am full of desire. But once I obtain my prize, it no longer seems worth having—because if I can have it, then something must be wrong with it.

8. Do you feel that you are a guilty person who deserves to be punished?

Until now, I didn't really realize this was a symptom of depression and just thought it was the way things are.

9. Have you gained or lost weight recently without making any intentional dietary changes?

My whole life is an intentional dietary change. I'm never not aware of every calorie I put into my mouth. This lends itself to a feeling of control over at least one aspect of my life in a very uncontrollable world. The way I eat is mine, and no one can touch it: typical disordered eating stuff. I am not pro-disordered eating. I'm simply stating the way it is. I feel bad about the disordered eating, as I feel bad about everything that pertains to me. But I fear that I would feel worse without it.

10. Do you constantly feel fatigued? Do you feel physically weak?

I've been exhausted since I was born. But I suppose this chasm of exhaustion scares me more than anxiety, because I've utilized anxiety and obsessive (often compulsive) action to distract me from the exhaustion. Yet recently, having bottomed out on most of my adrenaline-jumpers, I only want to sleep. To me, physical exhaustion is one of the most baffling depression symptoms. I am always trying to figure out why I feel that way or attribute it to something else. Usually it's my anxiety doing the attributing. It says, You have a fatal, undiagnosed disease! Other things my anxiety says about the exhaustion are: What's wrong with you? What if you never leave the house again? You are becoming a hermit. How could you ever hold a 9–5 job again? What if you fall asleep in front of these people?

I wonder what would happen if I allowed myself all of the sleep I wanted. Would I never get out of bed again? Or would going easy on myself ultimately help me to have more energy?

11. Do you compare yourself to others?

I just took a "restorative" yoga class that was supposed to be about self-love, except the teacher led with a story about how she drove to Nevada and helped deliver her best friend's baby, so throughout the whole class instead of loving myself I just thought about how I could never do what she did, because I'm scared to be still in a moment, and I don't like sleeping over at other people's houses, and also how I can probably never have a baby myself, because my body is a toxic Nicorette force field, and also how she is probably vegan and at peace with nature, whereas I eat animals despite knowing better and am in an ongoing fight with nature.

12. Do you have recurrent thoughts of ending your life?

Anxiety lends itself to feeling like I am dying multiple times a week. Despite all of this dying practice, I'm still so scared of those last moments. I don't want to have to do it myself, and I don't want to know that it's happening. I'm terrified of the dying process but find relief in the idea of death. If I could just vanish without knowing I was vanishing, that would be the best.

13. Do you feel like crying for no apparent reason?

Look around and look within. There's always a reason to cry.

If you are concerned about your mental health or that of someone you know, visit the mental health website, Livlinan.

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