Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Saying I Love You

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness and your inevitable failure.

Dear Hot Dog and The Lady Bun,
I’ve been dating a man for a few months and I think I’m developing feelings for him. How long before I can say “I Love You”?
-Shit Bird

Lady Bun Drops the L Bomb

Love is a powerful thing. It can inspire great music and art, and other times just dick pics and alcoholism. Knowing when to profess that love is the first step in the process. Saying “I love you” is like playing a very vulnerable game of Bingo, where all the numbers and letters are your hopes and dreams and the stamper is a NuvaRing. If you yell it too soon, you could lose the game, and if you get the timing right you’ll win the shitty prize (a boyfriend)! The following are some tips to helping you figure when to say the next most important phrase after “You’re standing on my vagina.”

·  A man who loves you will protect you. Try putting dangerous things in your mouth, like mothballs or a Doberman and see if he makes you spit them out.

·  Be creative! Why not play a game of hangman to help him catch the drift? Simply write “I _ _ _ _ You” on a piece of paper and let him fill out the blanks.

If he writes “love”, he’s yours! If he writes “forb”, your children will have the IQ of lint.

·  Everyone knows traumatic events bring people closer. How about a vacation in Iraq or riding the subway together when a Brooklyn middle school lets out?

Now that you have the non-verbal traps set, it’s time to take the heart plunge and say what you mean (but only this time!). It may be a little scary, but hey, so is eating a bagel while lying down, and I do that every day. Use these phrases to go from “courting” to “resorting” in an instant.

·  “You make my heart pitter patter… Like Ritalin with balls and a receding hairline.”

·  “Seeing you gives me butterflies in my stomach. It’s either love or the caterpillar salad I ate in Thailand.”

·  “I love you and can’t imagine living without you. I also can’t imagine coffee grinders and flashlights, so who knows!”

Hot Dog Pours His Hard-On Out

Just like making hard-boiled eggs or dating 18-year-olds, saying I love you for the first time requires delicate timing. Too late and your eggs are hard as rocks, too soon and you’re arrested for statutory rape. First you need to make sure that the feelings you have are actually love and not just lust or gas. Here’s an easy way to tell the difference: Lust feels like a pressure on your crotch, love feels like a pressure in your abdomen, and gas will go away when you take a shit. But declaring your love for your partner before she’s ready to hear it could backfire, like teaching your mom how to text. Here are some ways to make sure she’s feelin’ it before you start revealin’ it:

·  Next time you fart, instead of saying, “Excuse me,” yell “Nothing but net!” If she doesn’t immediately leave you, she might love you.

·  Being incredibly annoying for an extended period of time can put a test on whether or not a woman truly loves you. Why not carry an accordion with you for a week and constantly ask if you can “squeeze out a tune” for her. If she doesn’t shoot you or herself in the mouth by the end of the week, it may be true love.

·  Test out the waters by saying “I flove you” during sex and see if she likes it. If she reacts poorly, explain “floving” is a new sex act where you fuck with gloves on. (Have gloves on standby!)

Now that you know she’s ready to get infected with the “love bug” (not AIDS), here’s some ways to inject her with your word syringe:

·  “Remember last week when I said I loved nachos more than life itself? Well, it looks like somebody named you 'just tied nachos for first place in the 2012 Love Olympics taking place in Heart, Mine'.”

·  Right after she sneezes: “God Bless You! I Love You! Hey is that Tony Danza?!” Point and run away.

·  “Remember when I said I had puppy love for you? Well, I killed that puppy. In a bag. With a hammer. You smell like sunshine. I’m sorry about your puppy. I’m bad with metaphors. I love you.”

·   “I love you, Radandra. What? I know your name is Lisa but my heart calls you Radandra.”

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com
Follow us! @kurtbraunohler and @albz

Previously: Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Do They Fancy Me?