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The Hangover News

THE US GOVERNMENT CONTINUED TO STRIP A FAMOUS DEAD MAN OF HIS MYSTIQUE

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America has a capricious way of treating dead people who have at one stage or another threatened its moral order. For some reason no one mentions that for decades, photos of James Dean smoking have been getting teenagers hooked on a drug that seizes control of your excretory system. But poor old Osama makes a couple of home videos and all of a sudden he's getting the "Elvis shat himself to death on a toilet" treatment.

Annons

I understand the US authorities have already gleaned important information from some of the other stuff they seized from what's being described, almost universally, as Bin Laden's "lair".

Personally, though, I can't bring myself to be too amazed by the videos the Pentagon released over the course of the weekend. If I was the world's most reviled man I'd probably wanna know what people were saying about me too. OBL looks hot enough in his blankets and his beard without his ears burning up all the time.

SOME SLUTS WALKED

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Look at all these fucking sluts! It's okay, I'm allowed to call them that, it's one of those "reclaiming the word" things. Betraying the apparent derivation of his surname, a Canadian police officer named Michael Sanguinetti told some students to "avoid dressing like sluts" if they wanted to avoid getting raped.

Needless to say, this did not go down at all well, and three months after Sanguinetti told ten college girls they shouldn't tempt men into raping them, thousands of people have been dressing in bedroom clothes and walking around North America waving the sort of signs you'd expect to see at Reading Festival.

"WE'RE HERE, WE'RE SLUTS, GET USED TO IT."

"SLUTS PAY TAXES."

"IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY. I WAS 14 AND RAPED IN A STAIRWELL WEARING SNOWSHOES AND LAYERS. DID I DESERVE IT TOO?"

Sanguinetti's apologised for what he said – "I am embarrassed by the comment I made and it shall not be repeated" – but that's not stopped the sluts of the UK, Argentina, Australia, Holland and Sweden from tottering out of the woodwork in a pair of broken heels.

Annons

A GUY WHO USED TO HAVE SEX WITH BRIGITTE BARDOT KILLED HIMSELF

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Gunter Sachs, former photographer and high-level playboy, killed himself on Saturday.

In a suicide note released to the media by his family, Sachs wrote that he shot himself in the head because an incurable degenerative disease had lessened his dignity and his ability to communicate with other human beings.

He was briefly married to Brigitte Bardot having won her over by getting a man in a helicopter to drop hundreds of red roses on her house.

He was pretty unlucky in his early years – his father shot himself, his first wife died during an operation gone wrong, and his brother was killed in an avalanche – and what proved to be the winter of his life doesn't sound like it was too hot, either.

The summer sounded pretty great though, given the Bardot thing, the piles of money he swam in and his friendships with Andy Warhol and Salvador Dali.

BEAR NEWS ROUND-UP

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A man in a bear costume robbed a bank in Gothenburg, while two real bears in Canada who were supposedly once employed to guard a rich guy's weed crop might be waking up from hibernation soon.

There are predictable jokes to be made about the fact that smoking weed can make you sleepy but I'll leave that shit to the pros.

MAC HACKETT