Hey Ron! - The Darkest Day-After

Oh shit! A young man recently wrote to Ron with a brown-tinted dilemma. He finally made the move on the girl he had the hots for, and what did he wake up to? An Antietam of bodily fluids. Luckily, Ron has years of experience in the field and knows just how to advise the troubled tot.

Hey Ron!

I was out with some friends the other night having a few drinks. We ran into this girl I know—let’s call her Kimberly—who I’ve always thought was out-of-this-world hot. But I’ve always been too intimidated to make a move. She’s just way out of my league, and there was nothing I could do about it. With a little liquid courage in me we started chatting at the bar, which led to exchanging numbers, which led to meeting up later at a bar near my place. We got wasted and she started pouring her guts out about how she broke up with her boyfriend, how she’s always had feelings for me, and how she probably shouldn’t have drank so much because she had this stomach bug. Eventually it all works and we have some quality drunk sex before passing out in my bed.

I woke up about an hour later to the sound of hysterical sobbing and one the worst smells that I have ever experienced. There was vomit sprayed against the wall and my bed was soaking wet. I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom where Kimberly was sobbing in a pool of vomit. When she saw me she stood up and fumbled through her purse. Then she threw her credit card at me and screamed something about my bed before running out the door half-dressed. That’s when I realized that the puke all over my sheets had a friend, and his name was Liquid Diarrhea.

The most fucked up part (according to my friends) is that it doesn’t stop me from wanting to see her again. I know doo-doo on the bed is usually worthy of a permanent ban, but the girl was sick and at least she had to the good sense to offer to replace everything. How do I deal with her embarrassment and ensure her that it’s OK? What do you think Ron?

Sincerely,
DDB

Dear DDB,

First of all, I’d like to congratulate you on getting the sex that you always wanted from her. At 21 I don’t think it’s bad to have an overzealous sex drive. That’s a normal age for wanting to have sex with anybody and everybody. Drunk sex can sometimes be the best sex but it’s not the most memorable. As you experienced, there are some things that happen that might not seem like possibilities when you’re wasted.

Let’s talk about the puke. I’m sure you’ve done the same thing before—that happens with drunk sex. Maybe she went a little too deep on you and your sack hit her chin and she choked on it. I don’t know.

If you really want to see her again then it’s a good opportunity to say, “Listen, the next time we go out let’s not really drink so much. Let’s get to know each other and see where this can go.” This night isn’t about the sex. Try to not even bring that up. It’s gonna happen eventually, because it already happened once. She threw you her credit card, so she does respect you and she trusts you. At least you got that far. Personally, I don’t need drunk sex to achieve anything.

Now let’s discuss the doody. This is not a visual that anyone wants to see. If it were me, whenever I saw her after that my nose would start opening up like I was smelling things. Every time I go to her house I’d be sniffing and wondering what’s next. What’s behind door number 2? Literally. For me, the only time it is acceptable to see a girl’s doo-doo is when you’re using the backdoor.

But this is your prerogative. Hopefully it all turns out for the better and maybe you can see her again. Just make sure to put plastic on your bed if you plan on having drunk sex again.

Love,
Ron

If you've got questions for Ron send them to [Heyron!@ronicon.com](mailto:vice@viceland.com?subject=Hey Ron!). Just kidding, click the link and use that address. Bye!