Hey Ron! - Stretching the dollar

The Hey Ron! mailbag's been getting too heavy with the same questions Ron's already answered about degenerate landlords and bum roommates and shady friends. Most of life's problems boil down to a lack of swaddling in the dollar's cushy papoose, so we're taking a little time-out to present Ron's top tips for keeping the bacon on the pig. Take it away, Ron…

Always try to spend someone else’s money first and foremost. Always try to get something for free. The barter system is great. Invite a friend who has money but no friends. There’s a lot of people out there like that. It’s like a good-looking guy who dates a fat girl. She’s going to treat you like a king because she knows she can’t get a man who looks like you so she’s going to go all-out. You get a guy who’s nerdy but you’re the good-looking guy—like myself. They will love to treat you because they know you’re always going to attract pretty women. So you bring a nerd with you with money. Bring a Bill Gates. It’s always good to have what we call a “booster” in the family. If you’ve got a booster in the family, clothes are free because they will go to any high-end store and walk out with a $1,000 wardrobe for you.

Other than that…

Food
If you don’t mind eating off of someone’s plate when they leave the table, it’s all good.

Going out
You can sit at a bar, you nurse a drink, and as people sit there and leave tips, you scoop the tip.

Or you go to a restaurant and you do that “There’s a fly in my soup” routine. I don’t know if that still works.

Saving on gas

You always invite people who don’t own cars but who want to get dropped off. Everybody chips in for gas but you.

Kids wanting stuff

You want to play with toys? Play with each other. Beat each other up. Use your imagination. We used to get boxes, like when someone delivered a washing machine, the box, we used it as a fort. We made our own toys. There was no such thing as going to the store and buying toys. There were no PSPs in my day.

Dating new girls

My wife is going to read this and she’s going to know my game. If I’m going to be there for a week, the first date we go all-out. I’m treating her nice. She’s going to think I’m all that and I just met her so I’m good. What happens is now I’m away, I lost my wallet and I had to put a freeze on my credit card. I’m going to give her that sad routine and she’s going to think I would’ve spent all my money on her this weekend so she’s going to look out. At the end of the weekend she’s spent more on me than I spent on that one night. That’s a proven fact.

Love,
Ron
OK now get your shit together and send us a real problem, not one you already read about in this column. Dump your quandaries here.