THE EPICLY LATER'D PAGE
By Patrick O'Dell, illustration by Kevin "Spanky" Long
I hate kids. I mean, not kids in general, but little clueless turds at the skatepark who wear helmets and ask dumb questions like, "How high can you ollie?" and "Can I have your board?" I hate air babies, the kids who do fatty to flatties out of the bowl, or try to ollie off the quarter pipe to flat bottom (I hate their Skate Dads too). I hate kids who skate around the park in circles and get in everyone's way, who snake people and push mongo. It's so obvious how hateable they all are, but I just wanted to get that off my chest. When I wrote for Thrasher I never wrote with those kids in mind as the audience, and now that I make a show, I don't make it with them in mind either. I mean, it would suck to go out of business and I know shits like that are probably the biggest demographic in skateboarding, but I seriously would rather be broke. I hope they all die away from me.
Here's a drawing Spanky made of a kid like that at a demo. I think the kid was asking him all kinds of bullshit. Spanky is actually really nice to kids and finds them entertaining, but not me—I hope they all quit skateboarding and we go back to an early-90s skate recession. So what? I also think it's your responsibility as an older skater to be dicks to those kids, push them over when they get in your way, and make fun of their Ryan Sheckler boards. That's just your duty.