'The Mole' Is Australia's Female Douchebag

Photo by Sam Wong

Earlier this year, two young Queensland women were filmed verbally and physically assaulting a half-blind indigenous pensioner on a bus. The resulting video introduced the world to Australia’s one truly unique contribution to the global douche canon: the Australian mole. Most countries have loud, irritating and offensive youths, but only Australia has the specific breed of scrag capable of committing a violent racist act while wearing $40 shoes, $300 sunglasses, a cowboy hat and a cocktail dress.

The Australian mole may appear to be indistinguishable from girls everywhere. Her dresses take cues from early 2000s Latin American Grammy Award winners. She gets her tan in a can and she works in a place with a name like Ice, Magnetic or Xposed. But what sets her apart is the pure primal aggression with which she enforces the rules of her suburban matriarchy, controlling everyone around her through a terrifying mix of competitive sexuality, simmering nastiness and a confidence derived from multiple drinks involving spirits and watermelon.

Moles roam in packs, day and night. Before dark, they stalk suburban shopping centres in tracksuits and $40 worth of makeup, calling shop assistants bitches for not sharing their staff discount at Cotton On Body [which is like Primark]. When night falls they shed their fleecy skins and emerge as screeching and bedazzled butterflies. It’s maximum impact with zero body hair. Footballers’ wives without the footballer husbands. Weather girls who only ever dress for 36 and sunny. Ever wondered how Rebecca Judd [who is like Coleen Rooney] can have a lifestyle website? This is why.

Photo by Bradley Scott

The cornerstone of their social interactions is alcohol. In the early evening, they session with friends on the back decks of their parents' places. Living at home has its advantages: you never have to learn to do laundry, you get to use your parents’ good stereo to listen to Jason Derulo and you can pour the savings into drinking pre-mixed spirits with your BFFs every Friday and Saturday night.

They have highly complicated female friendships that were formed in the first few days of year seven, and tested over years of online passive aggression. You’ll know who they are before you meet them because of the thousands of selfies they post every time they come within 15 metres of a bathroom mirror. You’ll also know what all of their friend’s bathrooms look like – spoiler alert: purple towels. These are the people they get munted with before going out to meet the guys they will drink under the table. Drinking serves several purposes: it limbers you up enough to both flash the social photographer at the local meat market, and if the mood strikes, punch someone in the face.

To the outside it might look like a bunch of chicks smashing wet pussy shots and letting their 50 percent human hair down, but beneath the surface it’s anything but carefree. The Australian female douche is locked in a constant battle to keep up with the boys. Which means, humiliate whichever douchebag is screwing her at that moment.

Photo by Bradley Scott

She values strength above everything, so there’s no way she’s hooking up with a pussy – but at the same time she’s nobody’s bitch. To date her is to look good on her arm. Their boyfriends may be ‘roided up beef necks who king hit strangers after getting on the pingers, but at home they are dominated and deballed.

She drinks to be one of them, but also to destroy them. These relationships are special because there’s nothing the female douche loves more than belittling her significant other in front of their friends. All guys are completely whipped by these women. It’s kind of awesome. Next time you see a dude screaming, “Show us your minge!” at an unsuspecting female at 3AM remember that there is a terrifying woman waiting for him at home to make fun of his weird dick while their mutual friends spit-laugh beer and Doritos.

Finally, young women are able to oppose young men in some variety of level playing field. Obviously, this is a good thing. But Australian culture inextricably binds the idea and practice of drinking to our national identity and so for many young Australians, most competition revolves around booze. The combination of drinking and being super uncomfortable in your outfit usually leads to one of two things: forcing your less hot friend to swap shoes with you, or fighting.

Photo by Sam Wong

These women love to fight. On any weekend at any club pumping the sick, sick bass you will see two (or more) Moles throwing down. It doesn’t take much: Madison rooted Caz? Tegan spilled Amee’s Bacardi? Stacey clipped Sheryl’s Holden Barina? You better believe someone is going to get levelled. In other countries girl fights are all pushing and slapping – maybe some hair pulling. In Australia, after a lifetime’s training fending off Australian romantics, these fights are pure rage: haymakers, above-the-neck tackles and beating on someone when they’re down and cowering. If there is one thing Australia teaches its young, it’s how to kick the shit out of each other.

What is it about Australia that breeds such a heightened sense of entitlement? Perhaps it’s because we own a continent with the population of a hamlet? Probably not, but growing up in a country where white wealth is the norm and excess is in supply, it’s not surprising when people feel like they deserve it. We grow up expecting the best, and demand to be treated well. Unfortunately mix this with a rugged outdoors culture of booze and fighting and you’re basically creating huge muscular toddlers whose tantrums lead to broken noses.

Generally, fighting as a national pastime has been stamped out. Unprovoked attacks – once an Aussie lifestyle choice – are being discouraged by public curfews, while penalties for violence in sport – again, once a celebrated tradition – are at an all-time high. The only place our national desire to punch someone in the neck is alive and well is on the dancefloor on a Friday night. Because no amount of police presence, legislation or positive role models is going to stop the Mole from teaching that bitch a fucking lesson.

If we step back, there is something admirable in Australia’s hyper-aggressive alpha females: their prioritisation of female friendships, dominance of submissive-yet-roided-up men and physical prowess. It’s almost a testament to the power of women – or, at the very least, the equality of men and women when found at their lowest ebb.