Meet the Nieratkos: Why Gays Shouldn't Marry

With the 4th of July just around the corner, I thought it was my patriotic duty to weigh in on why gays should not be allowed to marry. I mean, Jesus! Isn’t that why the colonists left England in the first place?

There are a lot of assholes out there with really silly notions of why samesie marriages aren’t kosher and not one of them has made me think, “You know what? They’re right. Gays are evil.” Most mutants who argue against two gays or lesbians getting hitched tend to bring the Bible into the argument as if government should bow to that book on all matters. (On some things I wish they would. I’d love to see more murderers and paedophiles stoned to death or crucified instead of the chic humane lethal injection.)

Lately, though, every channel on the telly has more and more anti-gay protesters screaming about abominations and how marriage can only exist between a man and a woman and I’ve started to think maybe I am wrong, maybe they are right, maybe I should get on this bandwagon; everyone else is doing it. They’re swaying me with their mob mentality. But like I said, none of their arguments hold any water for me and so I’ve spent the past few days thinking of my own reasons why gays and lesbians shouldn’t marry.

Here’s what I came up with:
– Gays insist on making neighbourhoods nicer and if two gays get hitched it’s only going to make that household even nicer. I don’t plan on staying in my house forever; I’d like to buy something nicer, bigger, where my office isn’t a storage closet. How the hell am I supposed to afford a better house if the gays keep making everything nicer and increasing property value? I could barely afford my shitty house!

– I don’t have time for the gays. I have a nosey neighbor who chats my ear off every time he sees me. He talks rubbish, in complete circles. I can’t remember one conversation worth noting in five years of living here. AND HE’S NOT GAY! Can you imagine if a married gay couple moved into my neighbourhood? One gay on his own will talk your ear off, how am I going to get anything done around here with two married gay guys talking to me non-stop… with those eyes.

– I cut the lawn when I want to cut the lawn. My wife doesn’t do yard work so it all falls on me. It’s not fair that two guys marry to make this Power Landscaping Couple. I get no help, why should they? And what? Suddenly I have to cut my lawn on a regular basis because they do and my lawn has developed an inferiority complex after looking at their neatly manicured lawn? If gays do get to marry government needs to step in and pass a law that only one of the partners is allowed to do yard work because that’s just not fair.

– Like most Americans, I don’t like doing stuff. Not doing stuff is, like, one of my favourite things. Sometimes I’ll go out back, grab a rake to do yard work and then see a cool looking cloud up in the sky and I’ll lock my eyes on that cloud for seven, eight, nine hours and not do a damn thing except trip out on that cloud. If gays marry they’re going to get all motivated and start holding rallies to try and bring about change and make the country a better place and they’re gonna expect us non-gays to get off our asses and do stuff and the whole country is gonna go to hell.

– Gay marriage will confuse our children! Let’s say gays can marry, what’s next? They can have children? And then? What? Their kids can play baseball with my kids? And then the truth comes out that I can’t throw a baseball worth a damn and both these gay husbands can throw a 100mph fastball? I can’t have that. THE BIBLE, MAN! THE BIBLE!

– I’m quite happy with the blow job my wife gives me. I don’t need two gay guys getting married and being allowed to hold hands and sunbathe in next-to-nothing on the other side of the very low fence separating our property making me wonder if they really do know how to give a superior blow job! I’m pretty sure "Thou Shall Not Covet Your Neighbor’s Blow Job” is one of the later, lesser-known commandments. Like #17 or something.

– Gays ruin our image. Almost every gay I’ve seen has been fit and in good health; that goes completely against the fat, lazy, sloth-like look that America has taken decades to perfect and advertise around the globe as “our thing.” It concerns me that if gays get married they’re all going to take honeymoons at once and confuse the fuck out of foreigners with their slim, misleading representation of America. We could have an international incident on our hands.

– Kanye West burnt me out on pink clothing. I have four retail stores in New Jersey that sneakerheads shop at. There was a sad period a few years ago when everyone wanted to wear everything pink: pink sneakers, pink tees, pink hats, PINK PANTS! If gays get married I just know they’re going try and bring that shit back and I can’t go through that again.

– I can’t afford gay marriage. I know how keen their sense of interior design is and all it’s going to take is for my wife to be invited into their lovely home (THAT GOES AGAINST GOD!) just once for her to come home with a million ideas on how we can redecorate our house. What are the gays trying to do to our country? Put everyone in the poor house and cause a recession? (This point also does not jive with what I was saying earlier about not doing stuff.)

– We are not the same. I’m still pissed that they did away with gays as cabana boys and GAYS ONLY water fountains. Suddenly gays can sit wherever they want on the bus? Next thing they’re going to want to vote. The gays must be stopped. I refuse to allow two guys to get married and invite me over as a kind, neighbourly gesture so we can have a beer and a burger and watch some baseball. Those are the things straight men like to do. Don’t try and convince me that we’re all the same! Show me where it says that in the bible!

For more of Kimberly Kane’s photos go to blog.kanearmy.com or kkshot.tumblr.com

For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com

CHRIS NIERATKO