Quango - Let's Fix British Politics!

The House of Lords. He's not just the fat one from The Young Knives. Turns out he's a place. A place in Central London. A sort of Elysian Fields for people from the 80s, where you can check out what Michael Heseltine is doing between retirement and death, or watch ex-Labour bigwigs like Lord Kinnock – who always swore blind they'd never partake in that sort of pageant of privilege – using their principles as a booster seat on those nice red benches. Sadly, though, this wonderful tradition may not be with us for much longer. That's right: after 400 years of continuous wrangling by the greatest political minds in British history, it has fallen to Nick Clegg to solve this one in the space of a couple of months. According to calculations Clegg made on the back of a beer coaster, as he supped another lonely pint of Doombar in the corner of a pub next to an A-road on the outskirts of his constituency in Sheffield, elected = good. And so it follows that appointed = bad, which is why we always elect high court judges and the Queen. This reassessing of the very British notion that some people are just born to rule over others will not wash. (And not just because Clegg has deemed that every cocksock in the Lords will be renamed a "senator". After the ancient Law Lords got turned into the "Supreme Court" back in 2008, you'd have thought we'd be done with all this Americanising name-fuckery.) So, rather than latch ourselves to the doomed Clegg plan, perhaps now is a good time to look at alternative ways of smashing up the fusty Lords and re-energising our democracy.    Option #1: The Random House

The Dream: People spend their lives droning on about how democracy needs to re-connect with the citizenry. So, as a cross between jury duty and The National Lottery Thunderball, the House of Lords will start to select its members entirely randomly from all non-imprisoned Britons. This new system will be a joy for all to behold. Cat Deeley will present the draw, and an on-location Brian Dowling will surprise one lucky winner by arranging for them to have a massive, half-hour house party with all their bloody neighbours before they're carted away in a police van to spend a month babbling at strangers in a room. The Reality: For about three days it will feel like France, 1789. Then, the same hand-wringing lefties who were screaming for the liberation of the working classes will be throwing eggs at Lord Pembury Estate as he votes to reintroduce hanging, and Lady Park Hill as she orders the country to leave the EU because they won't allow bendy bananas. It is a chance for everyone who has ever moaned about there being more Etonians in the cabinet than women to shut the fuck up and realise that privilege breeds better human beings.

Option #2: The Plutochamber

The Dream: The Plutochamber is another idea so obvious that it's embarrasing no one has ever thought of it. It is based on the premise that there are already 100 people who run Britain, regardless of their unelected status. Historically, they've had to put their views through the mouths of ghastly tame muppets in the cabinet. Wouldn't it be much better, therefore, if rather than having to donate money to political parties (like Lord Ashcroft or the Hindujas), or buy newspapers (like the Murdochs or Rothermeres), they were just allowed to make their decisions directly? Maybe then we'd all put down our paranoia and learn that these big lugs were not so bad after all. That maybe the reason they were so damned successful was that they were really smart and have great judgement. The Reality: Have you seen Escape from New York?

Option #3: The House of Focus Groups

The Dream: We could end all Hampstead arguments about political diversity forever by having statisticians construct a chamber of Lords which perfectly matches the gender, sexuality, lifestyle preferences and burqa-habits of the British population. Obese Poles will have three seats in this new super-parliament. Left-handed Jews: two. And so on. It will be like looking into a perfect mirror of Britain today. In creating this unique experiment in next-level democracy, we will all learn a lot about ourselves, though mostly things we already learned from every season of Big Brother ever.

The Reality: The passage of all laws will depend upon whether or not Housemates of Lords have managed to complete that week's shaving foam and streamers "challenge". Given the sheer number of one-armed black lesbians in the cabinet, democracy grinds to a halt.

Option #4: House of Crims

The Dream: Loosely based upon Don't Get Done Get Dom, this upper chamber will work on the principle that it takes a rat to catch a rat. Just as a cat burglar is the best guy to figure out that you should put spikes on top of that low-lying wall out by the back window, so the best people to sniff out problematic flaws in British law are reformed crims who've done time for the same offences. So Jonathan Aitken and Jeffrey Archer would handle libel and perjury law. Ian Huntley would handle pederasty laws. And Tony Blair would be in charge of legally defining a just war. The upper chamber would take one look at the "Swiss cheese" laws that the naïve spoons in the House of Commons had made, chuckle a wry chuckle to themselves, then roll up their sleeves and get to work mending their hopeless statutes. Britain would become a fortress of rectitude overnight. Plus, Ian Huntley would look great in ermine.

The Reality: The lawmakers create laws that allow them to embezzle as much of our money and kill as many of our children as they possiby can.

Option #5: House of Seaside Puppets

The Dream: Fuck politics. Just make the second chamber the home of 100 of the nation's top Judys on one side, and then put 100 Mr Punches on the other.

The Reality: They would all be required to make serious speeches, of course, and debate with due gravitas. But the physical manifestation of the absurd would crush the society of the spectacle once and for all. And that, friends, would be real democracy: liberation, through satire, from the mind-prison that democracy can change things. Also: once a year the Commons would be required to pass a law about a crocodile eating sausages and "having a big one".

Follow Gavin on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynes

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