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Annons
GOTN: I think the interesting thing is that, at the moment, we don't really know. So much of what we're educated to believe feeds back into the things we want to study. So we might study attitudes to the ideal partner, but so much of that research – and how we interpret the results – will be grounded in what we think we know already. People who start from an evolutionary standpoint will say, "Research tells us that men want this and women want that." But do we really understand how much of that is nature and how much is nurture?If we agree that at least some of our sexual habits and preferences are learned, does that mean there's scope to consciously expand and change?
That's a really difficult one. I don't want to stray into the territory of saying you can actively shape your sexual desire, because if you go too far down that line you end up with people thinking gay conversion therapy is a legitimate thing. But what I do think is that, not only can we explore why we have a particular fetish or kink, but I think we have a responsibility to examine it.
Annons
You write honestly about how it's possible to have great sex with someone you don't like. It's not true that being in love always equals great sex. But even outside religious circles, this idea upsets people. We still think of sex as sacred, don't we?TRENDING ON BROADLY: How Incest Porn Is Making a Comeback
Yes, it's this idea that sex is either a cementing of love or spark towards love. It's all wrapped up in this belief that love is the ultimate goal; that hetero, monogamous love is this shining bubble, the ideal we should all be reaching for.I agree. Hence people's deep unease about commercial sex.
There's a knee-jerk reaction; as soon as sex comes into a conversation, people are nervous of it. I think sex work in particular challenges people. The idea that sex work is work is so radical because we've been taught ever since we're born that our genitals are precious. Men probably not so much, but for women it's all tied up in notions or purity and virginity, which are in turn tied up in control.
Annons
I might not use the word chilling, but, before I started the blog, I would have said there are lots of guys who don't really understand feminism, but when we tell them, they'll get it. But actually, there are so many men who are, I would say, the good guys – they're on our side and genuinely give a shit about the issues, but they're so unwilling to see themselves as potentially "bad". One of the things that struck me is that nobody thinks they're the bad guy.I mean, I don't think that I'm the bad guy! I've done some things and said some things on my blog that I look back on now and think, 'That was awful.' But at the time, I didn't know I was the bad guy. With more extreme stuff I get sent, though, the really aggressive stuff, that is just really shitty behaviour. As a general rule I try not to talk about it too much. I feel like the more I talk about it, the more I'll get.Your blog's intimate, but your book is revealing in a different way. What were the hardest bits to write?
Any time I talk about mental health stuff it's really difficult, because I want to convey the horror – I've genuinely had moments when I don't want to be alive any more – but at same time not leave people with that. I don't want to just drop that in people's laps; I want to be able to say, "This is shit, but here are positives that came out of it," and that's really difficult to do, particularly if I'm in a shit place.
Annons
I want to be super positive about this because, in my circle, there are so many brilliant sex experts, but every now and then I stumble across an article written in a popular UK newspaper and think, 'Shit, I really live in a bubble of sex positivity and good advice, the kind of advice that understands people have very different experiences and sexuality.' You still get "Five things not to do during a threesome," or those really prescriptive things in the mainstream press, but I think we're getting better because our experience is getting broader and, as our world gets bigger, we have more information to reject those kinds of articles.Girl on the Net: How A Bad Girl Fell in Love is out on the 10th of March through Blink Publishing.@frankiemullinMore on VICE:Does Having Casual Sex Make You Depressed?The 21 Sexiest Things About SexThis Is Your Sex on Drugs