Interns of the World, Unite and Take Over

These are our current interns. Look how happy they are!

Yesterday, the editor of Spiked, Brendan O'Neill, wrote a piece called "Interns: Don't Bother Uniting, You Have No Chains to Lose". This is a rebuttal from a former intern and current writer for VICE. Brendan O'Neill began his castigation of unpaid interns yesterday with the words: "Young people are often encouraged to speak their minds these days, and while this is a nice idea in principle, sometimes when a young person opens his or her pretty mouth a pile of steaming crap comes out." Well yes, sometimes that's true, but the obvious caveat is that the same can often be said for when old men open their mouths, especially if they're calling Pussy Riot "snobs" and using the word "sheeple" without irony. But anyway, for some reason VICE seems to enjoy publishing my steaming crap and with that in mind: Dear Brendan O'Neill, fuck you. Here in the UK, unpaid internships have become an increasing source of tension in the midst of a flagging economy and over-subscribed graduate job positions. It's not fair, it was easier for the generation before us, but it's not the end of the world. What is bullshit, though, is giving people who grew up and still live in London – often with parental financial support – a better chance than the vast majority of young people across the country. To clarify, I don't really care about those young people who can, with relative comfort, afford to do unpaid internships. I mean, Eat The Rich and all that, but since I came to London I've done too many drugs in their buy-to-let graduation presents to really hate them. It's the system that's doing the screwing here and, as usual, it's screwing those young people that Brendan – bizarrely – fails to acknowledge at all in his article. People for whom the opportunity to "learn, network, impress and kiss butt,” as he puts it, would be so prohibitive that they'd have to get very fucking good at it very fucking quickly 'cause they'd need the free lunches for basic sustenance. I am from Birmingham (not an American one, the English one with curry, Spaghetti Junction, heavy metal; all of that stuff), so when I got my placement at VICE, I had to move all the way to stupid London – one of the most expensive places to live in the Western world. I doubt I would have been able to do this without financial help from my modestly paid girlfriend who, for some unknown reason, agrees to share an apartment with me. We got to London and moved into our piece-of-shit one-bedroom in Lewisham. It's great; it permanently smells damp, has a prominent insect infestation and a toilet so esoteric in its behavior that I'm starting to think it might not be a toilet at all. But, it was all we could afford, even when my girlfriend got a full-time job (don't ever let me go, bebes). I don't want to sound like I'm reciting the lyrics from "Up the Junction" by Squeeze, but the sinks smell of drains when you turn the tap on. Have you ever tried to hold back vomit while you brush your teeth? It's kind of like being water-boarded.

After two months, my money was running out, but I was encouraged to write and when I had articles published by VICE, I was paid the same as a freelancer, so I could scrape by. Writing, especially when you're starting out, is tough. You don't earn much. But I survived without working another job, because I got paid. And since being taken on by VICE, Brendan, I can now afford to eat regularly at Pret-a-Manger with all of the rich interns you hire. Yay! VICE has done me good and I can take care of myself, but I still don't consider the institution of unpaid internships fair. I think it's even more bullshit for you to criticise groups such as Interns Aware that are pressuring the government to implement minimum-wage laws when unpaid internships aren't just occurring in areas such as journalism and media, but also marketing, accountancy, PR, shop floor positions and a raft of other things. Fuck, if the government wasn’t subsidising so many interns with the dole back in Birmingham, the creative industry there would probably collapse in a fortnight. You mention youthful ambition, but that has nothing to do with it. I mean, arguably, the system you're advocating will weed out those people with the most cause to be ambitious – normal people whose bills aren't paid by a standing order from Coutts and whose dad wasn't in Genesis. People who need to work. My main problem with you, Brendan, is that you talk about your happy interns as if their experience is universal. I know full well that they're not. Earlier this year, we had an applicant for an internship from a graduate who lived well outside of London. He offered to do a full-time internship for three months while working night shifts in another full-time job in a care home 80 miles from the VICE London office. He was great, had just finished his master's in International Journalism, knew VICE inside out, could write, liked good bands, had ideas, laughed at my jokes – all that stuff. But, obviously, the 80-mile commute, job obligations and the fact that his girlfriend was heavily pregnant, made his position unsustainable. That same candidate is due to come in later this year on a part-time basis. I hope having him here will benefit him as much as his hard work and ability deserve. And it's a shame for you, Brendan, that you won't see his ilk among your candidates, because he's clever and has a Viva Hate tattoo. Obviously, not everyone can move to London and just start working away without hope of eventual remuneration. It's not a perfect system. I understand that, as a business, it makes sense to train people to a certain standard before paying them, and Brendan, you clearly feel like you're doing your interns a favour by giving them experience. Maybe you are, but doesn't it suck that poor people can't afford to get that experience? Oh, talking about interns, I just remembered that the other day we had an intern application that appended their resume with a "salary requirement" of $40,000. His home address was in The Hamptons. HAHAHAHAHAHA. That's who doesn't deserve internships: morons. Anyway, the interns we have here currently are great, Brendan. Find their thoughts on your article below.

Follow Josh on Twitter: @joshuahaddow

Sheree Millington
As a VICE intern, I’m a pretty happy bunny. I do get to eat at Pret every day and there’s always fresh fruit in the office. I’m pretty poor at the minute but I see this as an education; "VICE School,” if you will. I think if some well-meaning interns want to fight for better pay, then power to them. It’ll help level the playing field so it’s not just Hooray Henrys who are able to intern. (And Brendan, you couldn’t pay me to work at Spiked. Honestly.)

Lloyd Greenall
Did this mystical race of “workingmen” (a term that fucking annoys me as it is, and I imagine you went to the University of Life, too), immaculately spring out of the ground or something? I've got a horrible feeling that this is a poorly disguised attempt at promoting your online magazine.

Aleks Eror
I actually pretty much agree with everything Brendan's written. There are a lot of ungrateful, self-important tosspots out there who only understand material reward.

Phoebe Hurst
The only internship Brendan has ever taken was in a bank, making tea. I doubt this involved transcribing near incomprehensible interviews or coming up with consistently good content ideas or any of the other intimidating tasks he probably puts his interns through on a daily basis. As someone who has never paid his “dues” as an intern, maybe Brendan isn’t in the best position to judge.

Alex Donovan
Stop presenting your puckered asshole to me, Brendan O’Neill, I’ve got enough rimming to do already. Interning at VICE has left me considering pimping my sweet ass for rent money, but at least its given me the chance to suckle on the teat of journalism, at least until I’m cast aside with the other runts, naked and shivering in the woods, just looking for a hole to quietly rot in. I require validation in any form, even in this sadomasochistic form. The outside world frightens me even more now, but at least the whips of servitude give me enough pain to counter my apathy. At least now I know I can sue.