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What Happened?

When did the world become one gigantic DON'T?

Photo of the salad days by Barry Butkiss

When did the world become one gigantic DON'T? The way people look in general has been plummeting since the 60s, but it seems like the whole of culture is at an all-time aesthetic low. Women think we like fake tits and toe rings, men over 40 are still putting gel in their hair, and even your close friends can't resist tossing on some sport sandals during Spring Break. Things have gotten so bad, we're taking advice from a bald fag with expensive sunglasses wedged on his head. And it doesn't stop at pants. Everything looks like shit. Toaster ovens are available in Mac colors, ghetto blasters look like Super Soakers, furniture is just wood veneer over compressed cardboard, and even lost-cat posters have fallen victim to the ubiquitous home computer that lets every fucking retard with AIDS for a brain use Quark to show us how talentless he is. The rich are even worse. Have you ever seen Cribs? Snoop Dog's house looks like it was decorated by an Italian grandmother on welfare. They all do. Even the houses themselves are hideous. Architecture in general has become an excuse for illegal aliens to take three days obediently piling plastic and aluminum into a gigantic square of Lego. I realize the profits from cutting corners are important when a handful of corporations are making 98% of the stuff, but what's your excuse? The most graphic example of this degradation is the automobile. Remember the Chevy Nova? Shit, even corny Dad cars like the Volvo had nice square edges and looked like something a grown man should drive. Now they look like fucking cough drops. Whose idea was it to turn them into globular tears? Was it corporate greed? "No, it was a simple math mistake," says Mark Stehrenberger, the designer of the Grand Cherokee. "Back in the 60s and 70s, everyone became obsessed with ‘the oil crisis' and thought improving mileage was going to save the world. Unfortunately, an aerodynamic shape only improves mileage by five to seven percent, and that's only at Autobahn speeds. Put an aerodynamic car on American highways with American speed limits and heavy traffic, and that tiny margin of efficiency is erased." Dear old people, are you hearing this? If you want to save money on gas, stop driving. What the fuck are you doing living in LA anyway? And if you want cheap furniture, go to a garage sale. Everything about you looks like shit, so stop watching home makeover shows. If you want to see real design, check out the makeshift knife in your son's pants. Or the roach traps poor people make. Shit, just take a look at our living room. It's a thousand times nicer than yours, and we're broke.