Earlier, while eating my lunch, I decided to take a browse through the Internet. While on my travels, I opted to take a pit stop at a website called Miss Travel. In case you didn’t already know, Miss Travel is a website that caters to “gorgeous” and “attractive” people. Last year a few people on the Internet were angry because the website had found a way for women to travel around the world for free.
Anyway, because I’m clearly part of their demographic, I spent a bit of time on their site. While there I came across an article titled “MissTravel + Music: The Best Fests For A First Date”.
Have you ever been to a festival on a first date? I haven’t. In fact, I’m pretty sure that no one has. In the world. EVER.
Yet, in Miss Travel’s universe, every singleton wants to go on a first date at a music festival. Because, clearly, spending three consecutive days (and LOTS of money!!!) with someone you’ve just met is a really good idea. Can you Belieb? Come on guys, let’s go take a leap into their misguided cosmos.
FESTIVALS ARE EXCESS LEAD FORNICATION READY WONDERLANDS
“Ever since Woodstock, music festivals have been a notorious place for hook ups and general debauchery.”
The article opens with the above quote. Which, I’ll give Miss Travel credit for because it’s half true. Obviously, if the only festival that you’ve ever attended is Latitude then it’s a lie. But, if you’ve been to any other festival, then you’ve probably engaged in fumble in the dark tent sex. And if you’ve participated in fumble in the dark tent sex, then you’ll agree: it’s really fucking awkward. First, you’ve got to engage in a battle with your wellington boots. Once they’ve been wrestled from your mud-encrusted feet, you’ve got a confined, damp area to flaccidly thrust around in. If you manage to make space around the sleeping bags, crates of lager and sodden socks, maybe you’ll be able to try a few positions. Oh, and you’ll be stinking from several days of no showering. Doesn't that sound romantic?
CELEBRITIES GO TO FESTIVALS ON DATES ALL THE TIME
Miss Travel believes that festivals are a Mecca for two lonely hearts looking for love. The main reason for this is because celebrities do it all the time.
“Musical festivals have become a hot spot for couples as celebs like Vanessa Hudgens, Nina Dobrev, Fergie, and Kate Bosworth put on major public displays of affection at Coachella with their beaus.”
I read this quote and I wondered. How can one put on a major public display of affection? So, I decided to do a bit of research. While investigating I came across a website called Lainey Gossip who cleared up Kate Bosworth’s grandiose act of endearment for me.
“[Alexander Skarsgard] and her wandered about in the open, she tried to eat food, she sat on his shoulders, calling attention to the fact that she was on his shoulders…”
LOL. She tried to eat food? Is Kate Bosworth now incapable of consuming edible matter? If you want to take Lainey Gossip’s word as gospel – which I am – then you might as well not bother attending a festival. Why not sit at home and try to eat food together? Or have a wander through the wild metropolis of a capital city, balanced upon your beaus shoulders? Because these are clearly bonafide methods of demonstrating to your squeeze that you’re crushed. Besides, celebrities only attend these events with dates because they never have to pay for anything. Unfortunately, if you’re thinking of taking the receptionist from your office to Bestival, you’ll be forced to shell out £400 for the two of you. Cheap date, right?
PLENTY OF PEOPLE ATTEND FESTIVALS SOLO
“After all there are just as many people who would jump at the chance to accompany someone to the likes of Coachella or EDC as there are those who have tickets but don’t want to go it alone.”
Are they being serious? I’m sorry if I offend anyone who frequently rides Jason Derulo (riding solo!) to Coachella, but, really? If anyone is heading to Coachella by them self, there’s probably a reason. Like the fact that they’re probably a really horrible person.
HALF OF THEIR ARTICLE DOESN’T MAKE SENSE
Miss Travel chose iHeartRadio Music Fest – the festival where Billie Joe Armstrong lost his shit last year - as their No.8 pick. Anyway, they described their reasoning for the positioning as thus:
“Sin City is a great host to this pop music festival. Tons of events during the week to festival go-ers and always a name-brand line up which means lots of single options…maybe you should go it alone?”
I’m sorry, what? Because a line-up that includes Jason Aldean (who?) and other name brands totally spells out meeting the love of your life. It’s like suggesting that I’m going to meet my future wife at a club night just because Example is doing a PA.
THE OTHER HALF READS LIKE IT WAS WRITTEN IN 2005
“These iconic summer festivals embody the heart soul of summer, and that carefree feeling of Summer love…”
“SXSW is one of the coolest festivals”
“It’s quickly growing in popularity and has literally something for everyone: movies, music and games”
Do you think Miss Travel has heard of Amazon?
ABOUT HALF OF THE FESTIVALS IN THE CHART HAVE NO INFORMATION
Miss Travel have published a top ten list, but they may as well have published a top six, as nearly half of them have no explanation. I read through the list feeling crushed and disappointed. I’d come to Miss Travel because I needed travel dating advice. Instead, I was left with the names of festivals I’ll never attend. Why is Ultra the ninth best place to go on a date? WHY MISS TRAVEL? WHY? All I have is this info from YouTube and it’s not very appealing.
MISS TRAVEL THINK THAT COACHELLA IS THE BEST PLACE TO GO FOR A DATE
Storming the Miss Travel chart is Coachella, which sits atop the best music festival for a first date list. Here’s their reasoning:
“Peace and love, man. The best dates are low key, mellow and no-pressure. Coachella provides the perfect atmosphere to enjoy each other’s company in a casual environment.”
I’ve never been to Coachella. (while we’re here, anyone want to fly me out?!!!) But I have seen this video of a naked guy getting tasered by a bunch of cops (read: policemen)
See. Coachella is totally low key and mellow! If you can get past the naked guys, drugs and bands, it's probably an ideal place for small talk about where you grew up.
Thank you for this, Miss Travel. I will be visiting your website again soon.
Follow Ryan on Twitter @RyanBassil