Note: This blog post is directed towards an audience of two: South Park creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone. If you are not South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, please enjoy some of the other wonderful content on Noisey or the VICE network while we shamelessly pander to Trey Parker and Matt Stone. At this point, we ask you to please look away.
Dear South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone,
Hi! We here at Noisey are big fans of your work. But not just South Park. Team America, Orgazmo, and Cannibal! The Musical too. All classics. We even liked the short-lived and underrated That’s My Bush. We’re not sure about Book of Mormon though. Tickets are super expensive and we are but poor music bloggers. But we’ve heard good things! If you wanted to mail us some tickets and/or a limo to pick us up, we wouldn’t hate that.
But we’re not writing to you today to beg for Book of Mormon tickets (though again, if you want to send them, please get in touch at ). We’re writing because we noticed that in last week’s episode of South Park, you shit on our fellow music writers over at SPIN. We get it. We’ve poked fun at them before too. Ha ha SPIN are such losers. Remember when they had a magazine? What losers. But while we laughed along with you, we couldn’t help but feel a bit of jealousy, because, well… we want to be humiliated on national television too. So we ask you, Trey Parker and Matt Stone: What’s a Noisey editor gotta do to get the South Park treatment this week?
The way we see it, we a RIFE for parody. To help give you a push, we’ve gone ahead and made a short list of some reasons you should make fun of Noisey on the next episode of South Park…
We are hipster scum.
We work for Vice in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. That’s like, the direct eye of the hipster storm. Not only that, but we are the worst hipsters of all. We are hipsters who don’t identify as hipsters. We mock everyone else even though most of us wear boat shoes and ironic Mariah Carey T-shirts to work. One of our editors has a man bun. A MAN BUN. Maybe you could write an episode where Cartman writes for Vice and everyone hates him because he is a dumb, stupid hipster who listens to some bands you’ve probably never heard of. Unless you have heard of them, in which case, Cartman is over them now. Hipster humor never gets old, Trey Parker and Matt Stone!
We think Radiohead is for boring nerds.
We get the feeling from the episode “Scott Tenorman Must Die” (classic episode, by the way) that you’ve got a fondness for Radiohead. Not us! We once claimed they are for boring nerds. You gonna take that standing up, Trey Parker and Matt Stone? Us calling you boring nerds? We wouldn’t take getting made fun of by us if us were you. Maybe an episode where we eat our dead parents in a bowl of chili and Radiohead comes and laughs at us? Just throwing it out there.
We took Kanye’s side in that whole “gay fish” thing.
Remember that Kanye West/gay fish episode? Well, a bunch of people went to Bonnaroo with signs that read “gay fish” to mock Kanye and we thought that was tacky and unfunny. Pretty lame of us, huh? Man, Noisey writers just DON’T GET IT. Bet you think we’re a bunch of humorless squares. Let us have it!
We defended Phil Collins.
You know that episode of South Park where Stan said that “Phil Collins sucks ass?” Well guess what. We once said we totally dig Phil Collins for reasons we can’t quite remember at the moment. Laaaa-aaaame.
We think your Primus theme song sucks.
Bet you wish you’d pick a 90s alterna-rock band whose sound might age a little bit better than an America Online commercial, huh? Does that burn, Trey Parker and Matt Stone? For you, as billionaires, to hear us, a bunch of grown adults who love Miley Cyrus, make jokes about your theme song?
We are insufferable.
As many of our commenters let us know daily, we have terrible taste in music. Also, we probably live in our parents’ basements and are virgins who listen to Nickelback. It’s all true. We fit every typical music critic trope. This episode writes itself, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
We are shamelessly pandering to you.
Look at us. This is pathetic, what we’re doing. “Don’t you guys spend your days talking to famous rock stars and rappers?” you may be asking. No, we don’t. This is as good as it gets for us. The most notable person whose cell number we have is some guy from a viral rap video. Please, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, we need this.
Dan Ozzi is on Twitter and can provide you with some very unflattering photos of himself if you'd like. - @danozzi