Will Fred Durst Help me Find a Fuck-Buddy?

eHarmony, a company that’ve been matching socially awkward people and divorced parents for the last 14 years, have employed Fred Durst to direct their new commercial.

This struck me as strange. Whenever I’m alone in my room thinking about eternal love and the middle name for my child, I’m inspired by two-for-one dinners, tickle-rape, every character Ryan Gosling has played, and being comfortable enough to poop in another person’s house; not a forty-year old guy who still wears a baseball cap flipped backward.

However, eHarmony is a master of love, I haven’t been on a date in six months, and maybe, I thought to myself, I’m doing it all wrong. They’ve employed Fred Durst for a reason; it can’t because he’s a great director (I’ve watched the Longshots), it must be because he has a silver-tongue that will (A) tell you pointless anecdotes that feel endearing and (B) get you wetter than an otter's pocket - both key factors in a long-term relationship.

I wanted to see if Fred Durst could help me find a girl that will hold my hand and laugh at all my jokes, so I studied him for a while and reset my online dating profile. Because E-Harmony required the answer to about 450 questions before I could browse the cast of London’s photo albums, I used OkCupid. Here’s what I came up with:

My self-summary

No human contact / And if you interact / Your life is on contract / Your best bet is to stay away mother-fucker

I don't give a fuck / I probably never will / Bitch get at me if that ass is like Jessica Biel's

What I’m doing with my life

Rollin, Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

I’m really good at

I’m an empty essay… fill me out!

The first things people usually notice about me

I'm an idiot a loser, microphone abuser / I analyze every second I exist / Beatin' up my mind every second with my fist

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Chocolate Starfish and Hotdog Flavoured Water

The six things I could never do without

A red hat, shouting at inanimate objects, my dog ‘Bizkit’, fucking, tattoos, nookie

On a typical Friday night I am

Drinking gin till we pass out and fall on the floor

At the afterparty 'bout to start another brawl

Doing it all for the nookie so you can take that cookie and stick it up your – yeah!

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I pack a chainsaw, a mother-fucking chainsaw! I’ll skin that ass raw!

Wish me luck guys! <3 no="" time-wasters!<="" p="">

Follow Ryan and Noisey on Twitter.

Trying to Make Sense of British J-Pop Fans

I Took Johnny Borrell's Advice and Walked Down the Street With my …