A Dead Lady Wants Her Dog to Be Killed and Buried with Her

This isn't Bela, this is a sad-looking German Shepherd called Shannon. Still, you get the idea. (Image by Damian Synott via)

If you die without leaving a lawyer a headache, what exactly is the point in dying at all? Good question; glad you asked. Because Connie Lay from Indiana caused a lawyer a headache by dying last month, and I kind of respect the hell out of her for it.

But then, also: she did cause the aforementioned legal headache by specifying that her totally alive dog is painlessly killed and buried alongside her, so it's sort of hard to know what to think, isn't it? On the one hand: legal hilarity. On the other: killing an innocent dog for no reason. Tricky.

In a way, I get it. Listen, sure, dying sounds kind of bleak and terrifying – I can't say I'm especially pumped to die. Death is something to be treated with a kind of quiet resignation, a chore you've been putting off. Succumbing to the infinite abyss is basically like calling the bank to change a direct debit or hoovering your ceiling: necessary, but not a lot of fun.

It follows, then, that the exact opposite of death is patting a lovely dog. If you want to pat a lovely dog forever, in whatever dark spare room awaits us after death, then it follows that you should burn a dog in an oven and mix its ashes with your own and be locked in a dusty spoon stance with your Cockapoo forever. That's just fair.

In another way, it's beyond mental. The will states that the dog in question, a nine-year-old German Shepherd called Bela, is placed in the care of a close friend, who is to do all the necessary organisation and ash scattering and what have you.

"[Lay] made provisions that, in the event of her death, she wanted her very close friend to take charge of the dog," her attorney, Doug Denmure, said this week. "She also then requested that the dog be put to sleep, cremated and that the dog's ashes be placed with her own ashes." Was with you right up until you said the bit about killing a dog, Doug. Was right there with you until you said that.

Legal analyst Mike Allen told Fox19 that, legally, it's kind of okay to kill a dog. "Animals are considered property and that's what the point of a will is – to dispose of property upon one's death," he said. "You have that conflicting, though, with rules that say you have to treat animals humanely." It's a whole grey area.

But those caring for Bela say she is a total sweetums and, like, really alive. Several volunteers have offered to adopt the German Shepherd to stop her being destroyed and turned into sentimental dust. But despite pleas for the dog to remain undestroyed, she was scheduled to be put down on Tuesday morning – presumably by an extraordinarily shady vet – until the decision was temporarily delayed. For now, the dog lives.

For his part, Doug Denmure is really mad that anyone would question him killing a dog just because a legal document says so. "Outsiders don't have the grounds to rewrite the provisions of my client's will and impose what they want," he huffed to WPTO. If a will told you to jump off a bridge, Doug Denmure, would you do it? Because so help me I will go and get one of those DIY will kits from the Post Office right this fucking second.

I guess, in a way, requesting your dog is killed in the event of your death is no different to saying to your wife or husband with your dying breath: "Don't… fuck… anyone… else." Killing a dog so nobody else can ever enjoy it; loving an animal so much you want to kill it. And it's not like dogs get especially sentimental when humans die: they are basically waiting for you to keel over so they can eat your tasty face. Also, they will fuck you if you let them. Don't go thinking dogs are all innocence and light.

But then the only things that should be destroyed following your death is your Google search history, any diaries you might have kept and then – slowly and one-by-one, like petals plucked from a flower – any precious memories your family and friends might have of you. Not your dog. Dogs should be able to run around and rub their weird lipstick dicks on things long after you have died. Anyone who thinks otherwise is probably just a lawyer waiting for an on-completion payday.

@joelgolby