Who's Actually Going to Smoke E-Joints?

The first iteration of the e-joint (Photo via)

For whatever reason, stoners seem to enjoy spending vast amounts of money on smoking paraphernalia that they don't really need. Owning more than one percolator ice bong, for example, is fucking pointless, but that doesn't stop anyone from filling their cupboards with various expensive, yellowing glass sculptures.

The latest hot product is the e-joint, which is just like an e-cigarette, only it's shaped like a cone and features a weed leaf that lights up every time you take a puff. And just like an e-cig, it doesn't get you high whatsoever, as all you're inhaling is a blend of "safe components", like natural Propylene Glycol and Vegetable Glycerin. So what's the use? Who's going to bother buying a weed-based product that doesn't do any of the stuff you want it to do?

We had a think about the different kinds of smokers who might slouch out of the woodwork once e-joints become the new norm.

GUYS WHO WORK AT NGOs
Michael is in his late thirties. For his 24th birthday his then-girlfriend bought him a ticket to a Carlos Santana concert. More of an Incubus kind of guy at the time, he initially wasn't too over the moon. But two or three songs in, Mr Smooth's chill vibe and groovy, far-out look began to draw him in. Soon enough he'd started to wear patterned silk shirts and even bought a giant "Legalise!" poster for his room.

Since then he's been mostly spending his free time learning how to play a 12-string bass and rock climbing at his local activity centre. When he gets back from a long afternoon of bouldering he likes to relax with a couple of joints and a Bill Hicks DVD. His friend suggested they go and buy an e-joint this weekend. Although Michael didn't say "yes", he also didn't say "no".

Some people celebrating Margaret Thatcher's death in Brixton. (Photo via)

YOUR ANTI-CAPITALIST UNCLE
Your uncle never recovered from Thatcherism. He hates chain stores and thinks McDonalds were directly complicit in the global economic disaster. To escape all that he lives in a little house in the woods. It's kind of a protest, only nobody knows about it and wouldn't care if they did.

His kids are worried about his dwindling supply of funds, so they buy him an e-joint to try and trick him into cancelling his weekly hash delivery. Sadly, all it achieves is reminding him of the technological gap between him and the rest of the world, and just how isolated he's become.

(Photo via)

STONERS WHO WANT TO STOP SMOKING WEED
The e-cig is ostensibly to help people cut down their tobacco intake in the vague hope it will help them give up for good. Of course, it's now just become a device that enables people to inhale a bunch of nicotine on the tube, getting their lungs nice and ready for a real cigarette once they're back up on the street. In other words – and according to 84 different studies – they don't help you give up smoking at all.

The point here is that all those stoners who've spent the past three years telling themselves they should stop smoking weed will buy this to help them quit once and for all. It won't work.

A bunch of lads on a night out in Plymouth. (Photo via)

PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE INTERACTING WITH DRUG DEALERS
Drug dealers can be a bit of an ordeal. Ten minutes inevitably means two hours, and wrapping up a Fifa marathon is always far more important to them than decent customer service. This ordeal becomes even more troublesome when you're one of those people who thinks of every single dealer as an unstable sociopath with a machete and a pack of attack dogs.

That's why Freddie and his mates are thrilled by the concept of e-joints – so much so, in fact, that they've already commissioned a web developer to build the "on tap app", which automatically orders refill cartridges when you're close to running out. Because there's nothing better than getting back to your Canary Wharf flat and puffing on a load of innocuous chemicals while blasting some Jack Johnson on the surround sound.

SECONDARY-SCHOOL PUPILS
Ever since he started following Badgirlriri on Instagram, your little cousin has been dreaming of only two things: finishing year 8 and sparking a blunt for the very first time.

He doesn't know where to buy drugs, thinks drinking the bong water will get you high and had to sit through hours of pest control videos before he realised what a roach was. He also has absolutely no idea how to roll. For him, the electronic joint is a window into a post-pubescent society that would otherwise swallow him whole.

Sandra Bullock, who used to be kind of cool, though probably never got stoned with the boys. (Photo via)

GIRLS WHO USED TO BE COOL / PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PR EXECUTIVES

When Melissa was a teenager she used to get stoned with the boys, watch cartoons and make prank calls. Now she wears tailored trousers, takes prescription drugs she doesn't need and uses a hands free ear piece. She wouldn't dream of getting her fingers dirty crumbling up hash in a Home Counties lay-by any more, but one day she spots an e-joint poster and succumbs to nostalgia.

For the first time in years she takes a night off drinking Negronis at branded events, kicks back with her e-joint and watches the Discovery channel.

More on weed:

Activists Are Planting Weed in Public All Over the UK

How Legalising Weed Would Save Britain Billions

This Guy Wants to Be Berlin's First Weed Van Man