I’m a Homo but I Loved Having Sex with This Robotic Pussy

When my boss asked me to review the RealTouch – an interactive sex toy that mimics the interior movements of the privates of living-and-breathing porn stars as you watch them bareback on a computer screen – I felt like Oliver from the Disney cartoon Oliver & Company: an orphaned kitty cat discovered by a six-year-old heiress. Finally somebody realised that all I want to do with my life is write about the people and places I put my dick, I thought. Dreams do come true in New York City!

Then I read the back of the box and discovered that the RealTouch doesn’t recreate the feeling of putting your dick inside a gay-for-pay straight guy’s butthole; it mimics vaginas (and, according to the box, women’s mouths and assholes as well). I felt like I had been had, but it was too late – I had to press forth by pressing my penis into the opening of a robo-vagina that looked as if it had the ability to castrate me.

For all intents and purposes, RealTouch is about as close as we’ve come to “future sex” – at least as I imagined it as a kid. With this device, along with a webcam and corresponding technologically advanced dildo, you can theoretically have sexual intercourse with RealTouch models and bona fide porn stars via the internet or, if you prefer to wank offline, a series of barebones DVDs that are included with the $300 sex toy (which, according to the RealTouch PR lady, is sold out everywhere).

The thing about technology is that there’s usually a long and frustrating setup process you have to endure before having fun. The RealTouch is no different. It requires three cords, two power boxes and half a bottle of lube (so it can replicate a pussy’s “natural wetness”) to operate. And that’s just the hardware; the software was an entirely Byzantine ordeal.

In other words, it was so fucking complicated I was forced to go to the Genius Bar at the Apple Store to get help installing Windows on my Mac and then the RealTouch software itself. Of fucking course the Apple Store was packed, and multiple employees were busy calming down a freelance graphic designer who was screaming, “THIS IS A CONSPIRACY THEORY!” over her malfunctioning hard drive. Nobody helped me, so I instinctively pulled out my phone and put on a bitch face, taking my cues from the graphic designer. A hippie in a blue shirt (aka an Apple employee) immediately walked over to me. I made a fake crying sound and then said, “I need this software to work right away.”

“What software is it?” he asked.

“It’s porn software.”

“Um…”

“Its for an article for VICE.”

“Aw, that makes sense. Let me help you.”

With the software successfully installed I returned home, but my troubles continued. Figuring out how to unscrew the RealTouch so I could fill the lube reservoir – two rubbery pink rollers that attempt to recreate the natural wetness of a vagina with the slick stuff – took forever. And before I could get down to business I had to complete my scheduled phone interview with RealTouch representative Scott Rinaldo, who told me that the RealTouch is improving everyday.

When I asked if RealTouch had something against interactive gay sex, Scott said that they’re slowly building a guy-on-guy section and are poised to launch additional products. “RealTouch is the future of connecting people,” he said. “It’s two devices connecting people. We’ve got a product in development that will put us on Oprah – the couple’s product. It’s very mainstream.”

Scott played up how the product allows long-distance couples to fuck through the computer: The female fucks robotic dildos, and the male fucks a RealTouch device; the dildo records her wetness and tightness, which the RealTouch hotbox replicates on the man’s dick in real time.

“I’ve used the couples product, and it’s amazing,” Scott said. “My wife and I can interact when I’m out of town. I leave home; I come home. I don’t miss her. RealTouch connected me to her.”

The company has donated 200 beta versions to soldiers stationed abroad and their wives, and they plan to use similar technology to create a virtual swingers community. “Me and my wife don’t swing, but I might do this with her,” Scott said. “That sounds pretty cool to me. I’d give that a whirl. We could enhance our relationship.”

While the couples functionality of the RealTouch is still in private testing, it’s very similar to the pay-for-play cam2cam cyber-dildo technology that serves as RealTouch’s bread and butter. Scott gave me an $80 gift card after I expressed interest in having a cam2cam session with one of the two gay models RealTouch currently has on payroll. Scott claimed they would make me cum in four minutes; I was excited. Like most children whose mothers breastfed them till they were five, I was addicted to cam2cam sites in middle school. I looked forward to returning to that creepy cyber playground and made appointments with both Nicolas Nash and Omar Latino, a model in Columbia, but they both bailed on me at the last minute and ignored my follow-up messages. Apparently “the future of dating” sucked as much as OkCupid, and I was forced to resign myself to watching one of the female-starring RealTouch DVDs that came with the product and fucking a robotic pussy.

I lay on my couch, naked, staring at the RealTouch and reminiscing about the one time I tried to have sex with a vagina, my erection deflated like a popped balloon the moment my friend Kelly put on a cowboy hat and pressed my dick against her baby hole. What if I couldn’t get it up? RealTouch’s resemblance to Eve, Wall-E’s girlfriend, didn’t exactly give me a hard-on.

Finally, I psyched myself up and logged onto realtouchvideos.com, plugged the USB cord into my computer, wrapped RealTouch in the blue “grip” cloth that looks like a homemade sweater, and turned on RealTouch Platform, the software that would supposedly control lube bursts and ensure that my penis stayed rock hard until I shot my goo inside the little robot. While waiting for RealTouch to “warm up”, a two-minute process that involves some growling and whirring sounds, I read the website’s recommendations for how to properly use the product.

It said I should watch a free “male-enhancement” video exercise that would teach me how to prevent premature ejaculations before fucking the “naturally lubricated” robotic pussy. The video was divided into three sections: a three-minute “get hard” phase, a five-minute fuck intermission, and a six-minute see-how-long-you-can-last-motherfucker climax. The enhancement video lacked real directions; it was just a selection of porn coordinated to RealTouch.

I quickly surmised that the RealTouch’s vagina pink interior felt exactly like the 47-year-old half Asian body builder I fucked last month – and that was because the “get hard” just consisted of a muscle guy masturbating. That’s right, for three minutes a body builder spat on his penis and rubbed his saliva all over his ball sack. I fast-forwarded through this section because lubing up your balls with spit balls is only funny for about 20 seconds.

I LOL’d at the thought of a five-minute “see if you can hold your cum in” exercise. Who ejaculates in four minutes? To my surprise this section started with a twink blowing a 300-pound body builder while 70s porn music played. The box wasn’t totally accurate: RealTouch does accommodate gays; however, it imagines gay sex the way straight people imagine gay sex: The masculine guy pitches, and the femme takes the dick. The twink paused the BJ to lick the meathead’s balls, but the top never returned the bottom’s favour. Since I’m an anorexic-thin 20-year-old who hates the idea of cum in his butt, the porn made my penis limp.

The seven-minute section started with a woman with double-Fs fucking another  300-pound bodybuilder (because apparently every guy wishes he were a huge bodybuilder who fucks women with absurdly large tits). The porn disgusted me; I closed my eyes. Then the RealTouch’s rubber rollers buzzed the bottom of my dick and worked its way up to my tip. My feet rose off the ground, my toes curled and my head tilted back; I lost control. I tried to turn on photo booth to take a picture of my face while simultaneously trying not to come, but in less than a minute the big-breasted blonde woman’s vagina I was fucking had sucked the cum out of my dick. I kept the RealTouch on my penis, my warm cum soaking my dick, too confused to even move.

Did I like pussy? Was I not a faggot? I wasn’t sure, so I spent the next two days comparing RealTouch’s gay buttholes to its heterosexual pussies.

This time, in an attempt to calm the jittery nerves caused by watching gross straight porn, I tried to embody heterosexuality. For whatever reason, for a long time I’ve been under the impression that Lindsay Lohan is the epitome of straight sex fantasies, so I dressed up as her and took a photo of me eating out the RealTouch to really get into the part. I looked at it as Method acting.

Apparently, vagina taste like a ham-and-cheese Lunchable. Then I looked at the photo and realised that Lindsay Lohan is half-lesbian, and the only person who would consider her the embodiment of heterosexuality was a guy who likes to sleep with middle-aged half-Asian bodybuilders. So without further ado I stripped down and began my experiment.

Scott was nice enough to give me some free credits to purchase streaming RealTouch sex videos that are accessible through the site and, more importantly, include a section of gay porn. I decided to fuck Brent Corrigan, the infamous impresario who was suspected of murdering his boyfriend/mentor Bryan Kocis. The video started with a smooth Corrigan servicing a hairy blond jock type. Initially, RealTouch wanted me to identify with (i.e., use the penis of) the jock – I always wanted a blowjob from Corrigan, so I enjoyed this. But then the bodybuilder started blowing Corrigan, and RealTouch pulled the ol’ switcheroo on me – my penis was now Corrigan’s. This fantasy confused me, which caused my penis to sag.

My favourite part of head is grabbing the guy’s hair and shoving his face down on my dick, so I stood up and grabbed the top of RealTouch. I rubbed my hand where the hair should be and expected to find brown skater boy locks, but it was plastic. Not so hot.

I tried to pull out and then thrust my dick back into the machine, as if I were face-fucking a guy, but the device held onto my dick like the flower from Little Shop of Horrors when it eats Rick Moranis’s finger. The blond guy nibbled on Corrigan’s dick with his teeth, and I felt a similar sensation on my cock. This was when I realised that my manhood was trapped, and it was starting to not feel so good. I quickly turned off the video, and the device released my dick. Examining things closely, I realised I had red rug burns all over my penis. Instead of making masturbation more enjoyable, RealTouch killed my favourite fantasy and bruised my dick.

For the pussy half of my experiment, I watched a Sasha Grey video and something called Pretty Lady Doggy Style. Sasha Grey’s hole looked like a trucker drove through it, and she kept screaming, “I want my pussy juice running down your nasty cock!” I thought I was fucking her butthole, but I showed a screenshot to my friend Chelsie, and she said it was actually Sasha’s vagina. I really know nothing about vaginas.

Pretty Lady Doggy Style consisted of a super-ugly brunette with pepperoni nipples, and not, as I was hoping and half-expecting, a pretty lady named Kate Middleton. But Doggy Style lady sure did know how to work a dick. She clamped down on my penis and sucked the babies right out of me. I now know why straight guys ejaculate early and need male enhancement videos: Vaginas are fun.

You know what isn’t fun, though? Unprotected sex with RealTouch. Ever since my 2011 clap scare, I’ve always worn condoms, and I wish I had worn one with RealTouch. Since the sex toy involves two power boxes, only the reservoir can go underwater. I got cum all over the toy, but could only clean the lube reservoir, and ejecting the lube reservoir made cum burst out all over my leg. Running hot water over the reservoir as I rolled the rubber rollers back and forth took didn’t even clean the cum off the thing, and when I took it out to show a friend later I found a cum stain in the cardboard box and another on the blue-sweater thing.

The cum stains were all worth it though. I doubt I will ever have sex with a real girl. Whereas boys’ holes both make me come and feel the way I feel at the end of Titanic when that bitch Rose lets Jack drown, girl holes make me come while reminding me of naked toddlers on the beach. Yet RealTouch’s vagina mode gave me the best orgasm I’ve ever had.

Speaking of Titanic, I happen to know an Academy Award winner’s gay son. When the gay kid came out, his Oscar-winning dad said, “You should try pussy at least once.” And I have to say, his father was 100-percent correct.

@mitchsunderland

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