Quango - Politicians Can Be Berks

Lib Dem Energy Secretary Chris Huhne

Is there a more loathsome and hapless vampire-squid in politics today than Lib Dem Energy Secretary Chris Huhne? On top of the ongoing saga concerning his (alleged) traffic offences, Huhne has now been caught trying to smear his fellow ministers. Last week he accidentally tweeted: “From someone else fine but I do not want my fingerprints on the story. C”. He had meant to send this as a private message to a journalist, but y’know, politicians ain’t too smart with the whole Twitter thing.

The colleague he’d been smearing was Theresa May, the Home Secretary, who had previously been given a lot of stick by the press for her cat speech – where she claimed that a Bolivian with a cat had been refused deportation because he had a cat. This was obviously a bullshit example, but more importantly, it was a bullshit example that had been lifted straight from a speech given by UKIP’s Nigel Farage to the good people of Eastleigh. It was this fact that Huhne was in the act of conveying to a Guardian journalist, when his finger slipped from ‘Send Direct Message’ to the button marked ‘Destroy Remaining Political Career’.

Huhne tried to downplay this. He told the press he had apologised to May. But when pushed, it turned out… not quite. Well, he’d tried. He phoned her up. But he just got her voicemail. So he left her a message. He hopes she got it…

It doesn’t seem like a particularly non-pathetic moment in the life of any man: “[BEEP] …Hey Theresa, just phoned up to apologise for deliberately undermining your already weakened position by tipping off a couple of hacks from an anti-Tory paper about you plagiarising your speech. Hope that’s cool. Mistakes were made and all that. Anyway, uh, let me know you got this. Hope everything’s cool. K. See you in cabinet on Monday. Cool. Ciao. Bye. K. Bye…”

Chris Huhne, old wife, new squeeze

Huhne has a track record of being really bad at important phonecalls. In June 2010, he left his wife of 26 years, Vicky Pryce, for his bisexual researcher, shortly after the election, having campaigned with photos like this.

Realising that a Sunday paper had bagged the scoop on his affair, Huhne phoned his wife up, and in one breath explained that a) he’d been boffing someone else, b) it had been picked up by the News Of The Screws, and c) therefore “We’ve got thirty minutes to kill the story”, naturally assuming that Pryce would still be equally keen to preserve the political career of her cheating husband. A woman who likes her revenge on-ice, Vicki Pryce has since said this immortal phrase will be the title of her forthcoming book about their life together.

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Fox in the Dock

When is it improper to have your best mate hanging around the Ministry Of Defence, pretending to be a special adviser, sitting-in on meetings with the Sri Lankan Prime Minister or the head of NATO and flying in to join you on department trips? It’s a question that would bedevil even the most well-versed Miss Manners. Which explains why Dr Liam Fox has been looking puzzled ever since his relationship with best-mate, arms lobbyist and serial holiday-maker Adam Werrity was called into question this week.

Whitehall insiders suggest that the problem is a passage in the ‘Ministerial Code’, in-between all the waffle about ‘proper’ and ‘improper’ interests, where someone has scrawled in marker pen over the top: “FILL YOUR BOOTS. FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES.” Naturally, this is very confusing to incoming ministers, and so it is patently an honest mistake that you or I would make just as easily. Mr Cameron, let’s see real common sense prevail, put all this behind us, and hope that everyone leaves the saintly Dr Fox alone to get on with the important business of making foreigners explode.

Previously: Quango - Some Things Are More Interesting Than The Tories