If you missed the Oscars last night because you're English and not prepared to stay up till 9AM watching Billy Crystal manoeuvre his new face around some jokes about James Franco, don't worry. You didn't miss too much. The dog from The Artist won a lot of awards and Meryl Streep became the first person to get an Oscar under every President since the War.
The only other thing that happened was Sasha Baron Cohen showing up dressed as his latest character, Admiral Aladeen from upcoming anti-semitic lulzathon The Dictator. He didn't get to do too much zany stuff, but he did get to throw some stuff over Ryan Seacrest. In case you don't know, Seacrest is basically Dermot O'Leary, but lives in LA, so 10,000 times more evil. Here he is trying to high-five a blind person.Anyway, here's what happened yesterday.The Anatomy of This Year's Big Oscars Moment
SBC shows up. He's carrying an urn with a picture of Kim Jong-il on it, wearing a funny beard and is flanked by two of the Kardashians. Ryan Seacrest approaches to interview him. "Welcome, Brian," says SBC. Hold on… "Brian"?! That's not his name. He's Ryan Fucking Seacrest!
"I'm wearing John Galliano, but the socks are from K-Mart," says Baron Cohen. To be fair, the Galliano thing is quite funny.
SBC explains that Kim Jong-il's ashes are in the urn. The lid wobbles a bit. Everyone on Earth, barring the kind-hearted, irreproachable Seacrest, guesses what's going to happen next.
Yup.
Hmm. It's kind of a shame he didn't throw it on his head. I know that suit probably cost more than The War on Terror, but still, it's a little underwhelming.
SBC gets dragged out very subserviently by some Oscars toughs.
Everyone is STUNNED, none more so than Ryan's co-hosts: Kelly Osbourne and the sex alien who escaped from Global Mega China Corp Research Bunker T64X.
They try to commiserate him, but can barely comprehend the mess someone's made on the Red Carpet. Kelly O stutters: "This is totally crazy!" The monster woman can't believe it, either: "We're like, speechless…" Noticing Ryan is about to cry, she tries to cheer him up: "Do you know how lucky you are, though? That you're like, the one he chose…"
Uh-oh. The monster woman said the wrong thing. "Do you think that I'm lucky?" Seacrest asks, before letting his mask slip and turning into some vile sea serpent: "IS THIS A VISION OF LUCK?!" he rasps. Children run and hide.
God. He's like Voldermort or something. It's horrible.
In a weird attempt to calm him down, Kelly says something meaningless. "I think maybe you have your swan dress moment of the night right now." Swan dress moment? Like when Bjork turned up in a swan dress? What are you on about?
Kelly O and the monster woman go into overdrive. They've never seen anything like this before! "This is going to be trending worldwide in about one second." "It's unbelievable!" "This is going to be on every homepage!" Well, yeah, it may be on our homepage, but I didn't see it ANYWHERE on human relations website, TheTavistockInsitute.org, did you?
"Ryan, like, your face, you were like, 'OK, are you joking me right now?'" says the monster. Kelly reckons that it was "probably the most priceless moment on TV that I've shared with you ever". Shared with who? Ryan Seacrest? Or us, the public? Is it really as good as the bit where a dog did a turd in The Osbournes? "I think I was in shock," says Ryan. I think he just revealed a side of him normally hidden to all bar his maid and his victims.
And then they talk about it for ages and ages and ages, because they are boring people at a boring event.Somewhere a team of SBC's marketing managers are slapping each other on the back as 'The Dictator' trends on Twitter worldwide. Ryan holds a lint brush and realises with interest that, like the News of the World before him, he is no longer just reporting the news, he has in fact become the news.The planet stops spinning.Follow Alex on Twitter: @terriblesoup
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