You may recognise Bertie from her other column, Pretty Girl Bullshit. Do not be alarmed – PGB still exists! You don't cancel magic. But now she's going to be writing a slightly more fashion-centric column for us called Beauty School Dropout. This – in case you can't read, and if you can't then how the hell did you get to this website, sterling effort, really – is that.

That's me, pretending that a car I will never own is mine, back in 2010. And to be perfectly honest with you, I haven’t looked good in a picture since. It could be because adulthood hasn’t been kind to my facial symmetry, and some gene kicked in two years ago that's now making me grow lopsided, but I suspect it’s because I genuinely started DGAFING, rather than being really good at looking like IDGAF.

Either way, it’s super depressing to go out feeling sexy, and then see photos a week later that must have made the photographer dry heave while he was uploading them. Desperate for salvation (and salivation), I turned to The Fashion Spot for help in maxing out my photogenic potential.

1. “Think pleasant thoughts”

To begin with, I assumed that this tip must be reserved for manic depressives, because I don’t know many people who are so pre-occupied by thoughts of how shitty their life is that they can't stop crying for the few seconds it takes to get your photo taken.

But then I realised that, when you try to pose in a way that makes it very clear you're happy, it really, really looks like you're trying to make it clear you're happy (gasp). You know all those stock images of women pictured laughing while eating salad? I felt like one of those. And those women are all dead now (suicide).

So yeah, BAD TIP. Be natural, it works :)

2. “Find your signature smile”

Which is inevitably going to be toothy and slightly smug. And exactly the same, EVERY TIME. People that have a "photo smile/face" annoy me so much I want to slap it off them. My best friend once had a "lips apart, eyes wide" phase, which, if you flick through her Facebook tagged pictures, you can still stumble upon in all its weird, identikit glory.

Worse still is the moment you realise someone’s about to take your picture so you go into default smile mode, and then stand, vibrating with tension, flashing your teeth at everyone, until the camera clicks and/or everyone distracts themselves because it’s way too awk. Wouldn’t recommend it.

3. “Put your hands on your hips”

Ah yes, the infamous street style pose. Head tilted to the side, hands on hips because, *oh okay, although I just dashed out for a latte I really need to get back to my important, glamorous life (in fashion, obviously)*, legs slightly crossed, and a big, fat fucking It Bag dangling off your right arm. This pose makes me look a bit like one of those delicious Twister ice-creams, except less delicious, and not as cool (does that count as a joke?).

4. “Raise the camera (to get that GQ jawline)”

Just quickly, I really don’t think I want that GQ jawline? But whatever, this one actually ended up being the best tip of all. Whether or not The Fashion Spot were trying to go all, like, Ghost World, on us, the picture turned out pretty sweet. It even turned out pretty sweet despite the fact I broke the golden rule of never wearing horizontal stripes because they obviously make everyone who wears them look three metres wide. I guess that's why people in jail always look so fat (and why I'm never killing anyone again).

5. “More makeup!”

In their tips, The Fashion Spot recommend that, “the camera does tend to slightly downplay things like lip colour, blush and especially eye makeup, so don’t be afraid to go a little heavier handed in these areas”. I took that to mean that I should wear as much makeup as possible, which is a valid interpretation, right?

First of all, Photo Booth pictures do not count as a camera, because they have no flash. So when you slap on four layers of foundation to take a picture of yourself in bed, you’re not counteracting the "downplay", you’re conducting your very own Girls Aloud album cover shoot. Also, looking slightly washed out in a photo is hot. Everyone knows that.

Well obviously none of these were satisfactory, so instead I’ve written three actually useful tips for anyone looking to piss off their ex with a smoking hot photo. Do not abuse this power I have given you.

1. Roll Deep

It doesn’t really matter that much what you look like if everyone else in the picture with you is way cool. You also want to scowl at the camera as if it’s just interrupted a very private and important moment. People looking angry because they’ve been distracted from conversation with YOU are a great addition to any picture. If male models are your thing: promise them some coke and then get them in your picture. If guys with tattoos are your thing: promise them some coke and then, etc, etc, etc. It’s EASY.

2. Dribble

Don’t ask me why, but dribbling seems to tick virtually all of the boxes I would associate with a good photo. Dribbling, chewing on a straw and smoking are all going to enhance your photo because you'll have a slight (but natural) pout to your lips and it'll emphasise your cheekbones. Just don’t be too disgusting. And sneezing is most definitely not included in this list.

3. Have a Famous Person in Your Picture

Similar, but not the same, as point #1. You want to be in a more intimate setting, and preferably not be talking to the famous person. This kind of slow-release good photo can be tricky to get right, but it’s totally worth the effort (+ air fare). Look, here I am in Williamsburg, BK with all my friends (couldn’t name two of them) at a BBQ. Oh what, yes, wow, that is Josh Hartnett standing behind me. Oh, he’s an old friend. And there you go, good photo, DONE. Word of warning: be careful of the celeb you choose, Kanye pictures are officially O-V-E-R…

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes

Previously: Beauty School Dropout - Kitty Litter Face Mask