Would You Audition to Be Tom Cruise's Girlfriend?

If you own a pair of eyes or ears, you might have just about noticed that Tom Cruise’s relationship with Katie Holmes recently fell apart in a sticky mess of Daily Mail stories and inevitable weirdness from the Cruise camp. Before Tom met Katie and Oprah's sofa met Tom's shoes, however, our boy was just a single fella out looking for love, preferably with a woman who would never open her mouth. It's now been revealed that Cruise's wingmen on his nights out on the pre-Katie pull were the Church of Scientology (or representatives of it, anyway) who allegedly claimed to be auditing Tom's potential partners for "a very important mission". A chat-up line that strangely seems like it might work quite well and quite often.

The most important thing to be taken away from al of this, however, is what the people of London think about the situation. Would anyone in London audition to be Tom Cruise's girlfriend?

Lee, 40, IT (left) and Ian, 32, IT.

VICE: Would you audition to be Tom Cruise's girlfriend?
Lee: No.
Ian: I’m a guy.

It makes you think, does Cruise even need Scientology to pull? Surely it’s just a massive cock block.
Lee: Yeah, he should be able to walk out into the street.
Ian: He should be able to just snap his fingers. This is bad publicity for him.

John, 32, IT: I’m a man!

For the next five minutes you’re a woman, John.
Still no.

Would you care to speculate on the interview process at all, then?
Hmm, I’m not sure, probably something to do with their beliefs? Then again, they’re probably just trying to find the right girl for Cruise. Nothing sinister in that, is there?

Cruise is quite a small man. Do you think he hid himself in a cupboard or something to keep an eye on things?
No, I doubt it. He might have been in the room next door, watching the video cameras.

Fuck, that’s sinister.
Yeah, like the FBI.

Pam, marketing: Are you kidding? I’m an atheist. I hate that controlling crap, it’s awful. I read something on the Huffington Post that one of his girlfriends gave details on the auditing process that she had to do.

That’s what I read, too.
Yeah, it was his auditing process and it was overseen by the head honcho's wife to ensure she had the proper thoughts.

I missed that bit. So they were conditioning people?
No, they were making sure they had the right frame of mind. Respect their husbands and all that.

I see.
It looks like it was a continuous thing to gauge. I don’t know, your moral standing, that kind of thing. Do you like to drink and party? Would you disagree with your husband’s opinion? You know, that sort of thing about how malleable you are. It’s all completely – what’s the word I’m looking for?

Bollocks?
Yeah, bollocks [laughs]. Bollocks is fine.

Robert, 44, IT: He’s a lucky bastard because he can pick and choose, the rest of us can’t.

I think matchmaking is all religion should be entrusted with. I’m all for turning it into a dating service.
Well, you want an input on who you’re going about with, don’t you?

This is true. Given that the Church of Scientology is offering these services, does this tempt you to join up? We should get involved.
Nah, let’s not. That’s the one that was started by L. Ron Hubbard. He speculated the best way to make money was to make a new religion, so that’s what he did – a phoney from the start.

Such a phoney, man.

Rita, 38, bar manager: I don’t know if I'd audition to be his girlfriend. Is it something for a charity?

Well, that depends how you look at it.
I’ve never thought about it, I can’t just say something about it. I need to think about it, I need a couple of days.

Don't worry, I don't work for these people, it's not a big deal.

Lauren, 29, fundraiser (left) and Christina, 23, fundraiser.

Christina: No.
Lauren: No.

What one question would you ask him if you did end up going on a date with him?
Lauren: Oooooh, that’s a hard one. When did you stop being so cool?

When was Cruise cool?
Lauren: He was in The Outsiders when he was younger and he was quite cool and good-looking in that. I never realised how short he was when I was watching those films.
Christina: They film him quite well, I think, and use certain angles to make him look taller.

Previously – What Would You Save in a Natural Disaster?