Above: Elite Daily's target audience
Hi I'm Bertie, this column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related things I think are stupid.
Who's heard of a website called Elite Daily? It seems to be a website that exists entirely to service the insecurities of guys whose idea of making friends is paying to fly in Tiësto for the uni prom. You know the types, those single-minded entrepreneurs who dream of being Zuckerberg, but will probably prove to be so hopeless at attaining the status they crave, that their thirties will be spent living in the same garage as their rented Jaguars.
Not being a male, an entrepreneur or desperately, desperately lonely, I was unaware of Elite Daily's existence until I was directed towards their list of "The 20 Mistakes You Don't Want to Make in Your 20s". Yes, I know, you thought that we had enough lists on the internet at this point, and how could anyone top "The 27 Cutest Amputee Kids That Are Way Better Dancers Than You" anyway? But whad'ya know, it turns out the world wide web is still determined to devolve into a series of terrible ideas separated into 20 sections.
That said, being both in my twenties and intensely neurotic, I found myself scrolling through with marginal interest. Reading on, I realised that the people behind Elite Daily aren't content with being careerist sociopaths themselves, but are churning out loads of "motivational self-help" articles in an attempt to breed an army of ruthless, immoral, millionaire loners. Wanna enjoy yourself later in life, free from the pressures of money, a boss and other people's bullshit emotions? Then don't let "bottle whores", "expensive sneakers" or "bitchy girlfriends who give bad head" drag you down in your twenties.
Here are three more mistakes that Elite Daily really don't want men to make in their twenties.
MISTAKE #1: THINKING THAT YOUR TWENTIES IS THE RIGHT TIME TO FALL IN LOVE
Elite Daily says: "While all of your friends might be doing it, don’t fall into the trap of getting into a relationship. Sure it seems like the right thing to do, but your 20s are entirely too crucial for your personal growth for you to be focusing on fulfilling the wishes of another individual. Not only does it make you complacent with where you are in life, but it makes you boring. When your business is at stake and your future is resting on your shoulders, the last thing you need is to be bogged down by an insecure lover rushing you home. Get out there, meet new people, test the limits and have fun. It will take you to the places you’ve dreamed of going."
PGB says: Why the hell would you want to make the most of your youthful energy, beautiful skin and healthy sex drive by finding somebody who thinks you're totally the best thing ever and dreams about kissing you by a swimming pool in the sunshine? God, you're more pathetic than an actual woman's vagina. (Don't those really creep you out?) Now is the time to ignore any kind of emotional connection with anybody and power forward in the business world by refusing to let yourself be distracted by those slutty "insecure" harpies that call themselves women. If Elite Daily had their way, every man would never have a meaningful relationship with anyone except their accountant. (No, your accountant cannot be a woman.)
MISTAKE #2: SPENDING YOUR MONEY ON WOMEN WHO AREN'T ESCORTS
Elite Daily says: "Your sex life is an investment – and the smarter the deals you execute, the savvier of an investor you become. Free sex is the most expensive sex in the world. Instead of navigating through an ambiguous investment in which you shower your woman with cash and prizes for the mediocre sex provided, deal with a professional as soon as possible. Although some of you may immediately jump to the negative connotations of a woman who is paid for sex, we suggest you take one step back. As an entrepreneur herself, why would you not want to deal with someone who has the same honesty and integrity that you do. Want a best friend? Buy a puppy. Want great sex? Call an escort."
PGB says: I'm finding it tough to unpack this because it's really, genuinely disturbing. Who are you, Elite Daily? Were you neglected as a child? Have you never felt the warm, rejuvenating waves of love wash over you? Every man in their twenties should only be having sex with prostitutes? That's a weird thing to say. What happens to all the women who aren't prostitutes? Oh right, in your depressing future world of loveless entrepreneurs working themselves to death till 3AM each night, every woman is a prostitute. Hey, I think I'm finally getting the hang of this.
MISTAKE #3: MISTAKING SAFE SEX FOR ANYTHING BESIDES ANAL
Elite Daily says: "As vulgar as it may sound, sometimes there are only a few options in life, so you must avoid all potential margins of error. The road to success is not paved with having responsibilities of children and your future wife to be. This is a somewhat lonely journey that you must take by yourself."
PGB says: Hahahaha, what?! That's completely crazy, Elite Daily. Imagine being so terrified of an entire gender that even when you pay one of them to have sex with you, you must then do it in the most violent way possible. Still, I guess adhering to a strict romantic policy of only ever having anal sex with prostitutes means you'll avoid being emotionally manipulated by these snakes. Oh wait, you don't have any emotions.
*** <3 MY SPECIAL BONUS LIST OF THINGS TO DO IN YOUR TWENTIES <3 ***
1) – Move in with somebody you love and be late to work every day for a year because you like to watch them while they sleep.
2) – Spend all the money you have in the world on one weekend in summer. Never regret it.
3) – Work really hard at something you love, even if it's just on weekends. Unless what you love is having anal sex with prostitutes, in which case: get help.
4) – Learn to criticise everything. I hope you criticise the shit out of this column. Seriously. You're worth it.
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes