
Annons
In the future, all our wars will be fought by robots controlled by remote. National service will be redundant, so what better way to squeeze the individuality out of someone and instil in its place bland senses of duty and professional stoicism than by making everyone record their own sex tape when they turn 18? You'd be able to choose your co-stars and write your own script, but it'd be mandatory. Everyone knows the industry's in dire straits, and to save it, we'd all have to muck in: the sons of sewer workers united with the daughters of heads of state. Can you imagine how liberating it'd be if we all struck out into the adult world from the same emotional ground zero of shame and self-abasement? Truly, it could be the great social leveller of our times.
Annons
The Christian right would soften their stance on gay marriage pretty quick if they were faced with the possibility of pig fuckers getting hitched. And don’t try to tell me that an animal can’t consent, if a donkey isn’t in the mood he’ll let you know with a swift hoof to the teeth.ENCOURAGE ABORTION
The Church would still have you believe that unloading thousands of potential believers into an old sock is murder, but they can’t sneak into your bedroom to give you a guilt trip so instead they prey on emotionally shaken young women outside of abortion clinics. I bet you now that women's reproductive choices wouldn't come under so much scrutiny if we stood outside schools handing out coat hangers and DIY abortion guides. It's a classic trick of political spin: take the flak yourself, deflect it away from some wombs.DEMAND AN ECONOMIC OFFENDERS' REGISTER
We've already got a big list with loads of rapists, creeps and paedophiles on it. We need to do the same thing with the banking industry – keep track of all their dubious fiscal voodoo to see if they’re trading faulty derivatives and let their wives know how much of those obscene bonuses are spent on 50 grand champagne bottles in Stringfellows. The sex offenders' register and the economic offenders' register, side by side at last. I wonder how much crossover there'd be?BAN CARS
Wait, you wanna drive a car? Why? Who do you think you are, the Fonz? Private road travel should have died with James Dean. No icons ever exited the world on a bus.
Annons
Tories tripled tuition fees for a demographic used to living off 30p noodle packets, but there’s $13-20 trillion hiding in tax havens around the world. Bombing Monaco and the Cayman islands into submission would feed our primal thirst to rape and pillage as well as provide some much-needed revenue for the arms industry – everybody wins!More:A Girl's Guide to Screwing Older MenThe VICE Guide to AdulthoodThings That Need to Disappear from Dancefloor ForeverYou're Not Depressed, You're Just Too Happy
