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Pretty Girl Bullshit

The Pretty Girl's Swearword Bible 2013

The dirty words you are – and are not – allowed to say.

Last week, Jezebel quoted a guy called Rictor Norton in an article about "pegging" their boyfriends in the name of feminism. Norton, as I now know, is a gay historian and queer theorist who believes that “the term 'asshole' developed as a homophobic (and thus woman-hating) slur”. He explains that “while women and men both have rectums, a man who is anally penetrated has lost his manhood, and thus become feminized”.

Annons

Yo Norton, I'mma let you finish, and that sounds like a great theory and all, but as a girl who has to shovel a lot of Pretty Girl Bullshit, I’m not convinced you can overlook the fact that calling someone an asshole simply implies they’re full of shit.

This ties into something I've heard thrown around a couple of times recently, that the reason men are more offended when you call them a "pussy" or a "cunt" – as opposed to a "dick" or a "prick" – is because these words refer to feminine body parts. Which I think is strange, because the one time anybody ever called me a cunt, the blow wasn’t remotely softened by the fact that I’m a living, breathing female.

The word “cunt” has been considered bawdy since Chaucer, was defined as lewd and insulting as early as the 1700s, definitely means vagina and is definitely a derogatory slur. But, I don’t think the meaning changes whether you’re using it on a woman or a man. I mean, how confusing is that? How are you supposed to know what to scream at a bartender when they give you too little ice if everything has 1,000 different meanings?

These are tough issues, but because we're real-life friends, I thought I'd help you out. Here's an updated Pretty Girl Swearword Bible for 2013 to make being mad with stuff easier for you.

Sometimes this just isn't enough.

Bitch (also: betch / superbitch / bitch-queen)
Big news: it's totally A-OK to call a girl a bitch now. But it wasn't Jay-Z or Waka Flocka who reclaimed it, it was Regina George and Paris Hilton. Oh, and Britney, bitch. How does it feel to be beaten by Girl World, rap thugz?

Annons

Honestly, give yourself ten girl points for using "bitch" in any context. "Bitch" is the new queen, in 2013, it means powerful, sexy and top-to-toe flawless. You wouldn't waste the word "bitch" on someone you could just as easily call a "nobody", would you? Case in point: Libby Chessler, Cordelia Chase, Denise Richards, Naomi C.
Use it: “You bitch, I hate you, where did you get that?”

Slut (also: slag / sket / whore)
I’m only going to say this once, because I think it’s way obvious by now, but using “slut” or any of the above as an insult is absolutely not OK. First of all – duh – "slut" is actually a reverse insult. If you use it, no matter the perceived promiscuity of your target, the shame immediately falls back on you x 3. (Unless you bind a candle with your mother's hair to reverse the spell.) (Kidding, you can’t reverse it.) As far as I'm concerned, "slut" is as offensive and unacceptable as "faggot". It makes you sound like a brain-dead schoolkid, completely messed up, or like you're just plain wracked with jealousy.

However, using "slut" as a compliment is a whole different ball game. I don’t want to come over all “RECLAIM THAT SHIT” but there are very few words that are actually offensive any more, so you might as well channel that power for good. Personally, if someone said my shoes made me look slutty, I’d be sooo flattered.
Use it: “You look slutty and adorable.”

Dyke (also: lesbo / fag / homo / gaylord)
I know I don't need to write this, but this shit won't do. 
Use it: In a monologue about prejudice.

Annons

Dick (also: dick-head / prick)
This is for when someone you don’t know has wronged you. It's a personal favourite of mine, if it's too late to re-sensitise "cunt" (weird phrase), then we should by all means be trying to introduce as many genital-based insults into our repertoire as possible to even out the balance.
Use it: “I know you know I’m on the guestlist, and I know you know I know. Quit being an absolute dick, and let me in.”

Cunt (also: pussy)
I’m over “cunt”, it’s not cool or charismatic, it’s not even controversial, it’s just boring. I guess "cunt" is kind of the John Travolta of the swearword world, it was charming, naughty and even a little coy in Grease, but now it’s over-exposed, dead behind the eyes and leaves everyone with a strange feeling of unease. It just about scrapes through when used in absurd hyperbole, for the lol factor.
Use it: “That horse was a real cunt.”

Moron (also: dur-brain, fuckwit)
When you need to insult somebody’s intelligence but “idiot” is too strong, "moron" is a great alternative. It rolls off the tongue with a “Meryl Streep eating a lozenge” purr, and it’s totally stigma free. It’s also the Scarlett Johansson of insults, AKA totally hot; use it on your boyfriend or girlfriend – they’ll do that little exhausted smile that means they love you and you’ve won.
Use it: “I said WKD blue, moron.”

Asshole (also: bastard)
I'm sorry, but nobody knows how to pronounce this properly, and the risk of emphatically shouting something with your pronunciation completely off is worse than forgetting to straighten the back of your hair. Please avoid over-emphasising the British "R", or under-emphasising the "A-S-S". Even in silent communications, like instant messenger chats, email or text, saying it either makes you sound like you're putting on an American accent or you're someone's Cockney uncle.

It's just insincere. Don't do it. I told you swearing was difficult.
Use it: I wouldn't risk it if I were you.

Got that, bitch?

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes

Catch up on last week's Pretty Girl Bullshit: Oh No, Louise Mensch Has Started Writing a "Feminist" Fashion Blog