I’ve been slowly collecting life lessons learned in my past two years of being a dad for a parenting book I hope to put out soon that will revolutionise the genre. I know many of you are too young to have kids or you just found out you got someone pregnant and are scrambling to find $300 to kill it (Is that still the going rate?), but there might come a day when you actually have a child that you meant to have, and since your dad walked out on you (Why else would you be stripper or a junkie?) (Wait! Junkies don’t have the internet, do they?), you may be in need of some well-informed advice from someone who has been there and done it with a slight margin of success. So put this webpage in your pocket and save these words for that sleepless night when you really need my help, because chances are I won't pick up your phone call because I don’t really know you.
STAY OFF THE FURNITURE
It’s a good idea to tell your kids all the different places that you’ve had sex in the house – like on the dining room table and the kitchen counter – so maybe they’ll get weirded out and won’t want to climb on those things. My friend’s son learned he was conceived in the garage and asked, “Mom, why did you make me in the garage? Because that’s where the tools are?” When she explained how babies are made he got grossed out and now he doesn’t go in the garage any more.
When potty training you cannot expect the child to know or understand all the places they are not supposed to pee or poo, so it is important for you to show them yourself. The best method is to personally go around the house pissing on plants and couches and television sets and then yelling at your penis, “NO! NO! Bad penis! We go pee pee in the potty! BAD!” To really bring the point of how wrong it is to piss on the family dog home, try punching your penis a bunch and saying, “BAD! BAD! BAD!”
In the case of poop it’s hard to punch your own butt, so you may have to incorporate your wife to do the punching. I’ve found it works best when she’s in bondage gear and high heels. And glasses! Oh, we love the glasses.
It’s important to make fun of your kids when they shit their pants during potty training by calling them names like “crap ass”, “shit for brains”, and “poopy pants”, so they get self-conscious and want to stop shitting in their pants.
DAD’S PENIS IS HUGE!
It is important to instill in your child that the head of the household has an enormous penis. The thought of it strikes both amazement and pride into a child. Sometimes even fear. The way to perpetrate such a lie (?) is to only allow your child to see your penis once, at a tender, impressionable age, during potty training (“See! Daddy goes pee pee in the toilet!”) so that he’ll take notice and remember. Allow them to take a good look at it and then never let them see it again. That memory of how large it was in comparison to their own will stick with them throughout their lives.
NO MEANS YES
Rape their mouths with a pacifier. They might act like they don’t want it and try to spit it out, but they want it. Trust me, they want it!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
Prep them for when you have Alzheimer’s by constantly asking them what their names are throughout their lives. Pretend every time you see them you are meeting them for the first time. This will keep them from putting you in a home when you’re senile because they won’t think you have dementia at all, they’ll just say, “He’s always been like that.” Then reach in your diaper and throw poop at them like they did to you! It may take 50 years but vengeance will be yours, my friends!
Previously: Meet the Nieratkos - Cupful of Cum