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Win: Sex With Helen Mirren

According to their website, Love Contracts "are a quick and easy way to keep your love-making safe from potential false rape claims and other such unwarranted hardships."

I think they're a fantastic idea. Not only will they put an end to the very real problem of false rape accusations, you'll also be able to trick pretty much anyone into signing one. To see who I could get to put pen to paper, I headed down to the premiere of the new Russell Brand movie, which was being held at the ultra glamorous location of "just outside the Zizzi in the Millennium Dome."


This was when Katy Perry arrived dressed in some sort of formal ice-skating gown. She walked straight by without signing for anyone. There were kids around me screaming "Please! PLEASE! PLEEEASE!!!" like they were in Hostel, and she just totally blanked them. This must have been about 45 minutes before the film was scheduled to start too, so she was rushing to go and wait inside the cinema. It would have taken what, like four minutes to walk down the line and say hey to the kids and make their entire lives?

Also, if you look closely at this pic, you can see where they've drawn a chin on her with makeup.

Anyway, as you can see in the bottom left of this photo, I'd folded the contracts so that they just looked like a blank piece of paper. This lady was the first person to sign one. I just looked it up and her name is Greta Gerwig. According to IMDB, she's been in such modern classics as No Strings Attached and LOL.

After a few more celebrities went by without signing, I started to lose all hope that anyone actually famous might sign one. But then Helen fucking Mirren sauntered over and stuck her John Hancock down. Which I'm 99% sure means I'm going to hell. If her grandchildren are reading this, I'm truly very sorry.

Russel Brand signed one too. Not like you need permission to have sex with Russell though. He's sex crazy he is. I hear he was created in a lab by splicing a sex molecule, a drugs molecule, a rock molecule and a roll molecule with some human DNA.

So, here you go. The signed contracts. From left to right: Greta Gerwig, Helen Mirren and Russell Brand.

Anyone wanna buy these from me? Though it would be totally legal for me to do it now, I'd imagine having sex with Helen Mirren when she doesn't realise she's given her consent would be a logistical nightmare. Tell you what, write in the comments section below why you think you deserve them and I'll give them to the person with the best answer.