Bloody, Hairy, And Hot

October 1, 2007, 8:00pm

You can’t just slap on some cat ears, eyeliner whiskers, slutty spandex, and call it Halloween. That shit’s for pussies (har har). You wanna be like Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls when she shows up as a green-faced, snaggle-toothed witch at the costume party and every other girl there is dressed like a hooker (with fuzzy cat or bunny ears of course) and they all laugh at her but you know what? She gets the guy! And wins their respect in the end! So this Halloween, no nurses or fairy princesses or naughty schoolgirls (save those for, like, a Tuesday). Take a tip from three of the craftiest ladies we know and get grotesque!

MERYL SMITH, NEW YORK

This is “Me Giving Birth to Myself” or “Me Being Born” or something like that. This is by far the hardest costume I’ve ever made, and the most blazingly sweaty costume I’ve ever worn—even worse than last year when I went as Timothy Treadwell from Grizzly Man being eaten by a bear and I stood outside the party the whole time sweating my ass off in a giant bear-fur suit waiting for them to announce the costume-competition results (I won).

It took about 20 hours to make this, but that’s mostly because it’s all handmade and I don’t really know how to sew. I used metal window screen to shape the stomach, boobs, and head and flesh-colored spandex for the rest of the body. The vagina is just folded-up fabric and glued-on hair. It’s funny how easy it is to make a vagina.

After I shimmied into the spandex and shoved in a bunch of cotton stuffing, I rubbed red blush on my face, put on a bald cap, and poured strawberry jelly and cottage cheese all over my head. Socks on the hands was the final touch.

I can barely walk in it, and the food on my face dries up and gets kinda itchy after awhile, but if I can make it to another costume contest this year I better win!