Old Trainers Make Me Want to Have Sex

Because I have a constant, rigid boner for Reebok Classics and Google Images only provides me with super-dull stock photos where everything's been Photoshopped out except for the brand-new shoe, I took to YouTube to try and find some footage of people actually rocking some Classics that looked a little bit worn-in. At the time there was no particular reason why I was looking for that sort of image, but I've now come to accept that it's probably because I've got some full-on, deeply sexualised love for mid-level training shoes that I've buried in the darkest depths of my subconscious for the past 22 years.

Searching YouTube this morning, those two decades of urges and trapped desires were unleashed in a flurry of sperm and dribble as soon as I became aware of 'Well-Worn', a community of people who upload videos of themselves in battered trainers for others to furiously masturbate to at home. I'm not sure whether this trend started out with foot fetishists invading the videos of sneaker freaks, or vice versa, but I'm far too turned-on right now to even begin mulling that one over.

NikeAir84 is the godfather of well-worn trainers. It was his understated, sensual video of worn Classics that originally made me blow my load, but there's something about this particular video that's really kept me captivated and sweaty-palmed for the last 45 minutes, or so. I think it's the sheer, unbridled eroticism of seeing a man really become one with his shoes, dipping his fingers in and out of the torn toe box like it's his last couple of minutes on Earth before the shoe rapture, where all those naughty, dirty little trainers get dragged up to the Foot Locker in the sky.

I've started to pick up a little bit on the vocabulary of this sexy subculture. "Stomping", "trashed", and "trample" seem to be the heavy-hitters in the well-worn game. Here's a classic example of some stomping. Hot, right?

I really should have some Reebok brand loyalty, but any notion of that flew out the window quicker than a virgin's first time once I saw this video. There's something so intensely authoritative and dominant about a grown-ass man destroying his box-fresh adidas Adi Racers with a tub of white paint that just can't be recreated any other way.

N.B. This is ideal viewing for those of you who don't want to dive in quite yet, but still want to passively live out your fantasies through someone who's so deep in it that they may never be able to wear a pair of trainers without immediately creaming themselves (again).

I thought I'd throw in some well-worn Pumas here to add a little hardline Germanic spice to the mix, because I know there'll be some of you out there who are all, "This whole thing's about dominance, but I actually prefer being the one who's stomped on." For the rest of you, if you can get past the overwhelming urge to bust one out right now, keep watching and you'll see these trainers put up a fair fight. The guy's toes might be working away at them, but the shoes always snap back to their original position, as if to say, "I'll let you play, but I'm the one in control here." Jesus Christ. Is anyone else finding it impossibly hard not to have a pocket shuffle right now?

In the comments, JimSoxTn wrote, 'I want to peel away the skin [shoe] to get to the fruit [feet]. Yum…' and I don't think it could be said any better than that. Those flirty little frayed stitches are just begging to be yanked all over the place to reveal that sweet fruit. In case these Nike Shox have seized control of your mental wank-bank like they have mine, the YouTube user posted an updated video of these shoes a couple of months later, just to demonstrate how much control he has over his subservient shoe slaves.

Granted, these aren't exactly well-worn, but after hours of searching, I finally stumbled across two guys enjoying the company of each other's shoes and they are rubbing away at each other, wearing those sporty numbers down, ever so slowly. There's something incredibly voyeuristic and almost tantric about this video – what with the water-skiing guy right next to them and the long, lingering glances the shoes seem to be giving each other before it all starts getting wild – which makes that eventual pay-off of the two guys sharing one shoe with the same foot so much more cum-worthy.