TWO BRITISH TOURISTS ARE FOUND DEAD IN FLORIDIAN GANGLAND
No one knows what 24-year-old James Kouzaris and 25-year-old James Cooper were doing in Newtown, Sarasota in the early hours of Saturday morning, but ultimately the pair were shot dead.
Newtown is 12 miles from the places where all the tourists hang out, and the area's crime rate, buoyed by gang activity, is the highest in the city. Most of the people in Newtown are unemployed and live in social housing.
Neither Kouzaris or Cooper were on drugs, and neither of them were carrying weapons or large amounts of cash.
The pair met and became friends at Sheffield University.
The Guardian have tried to piece the whole thing together from Facebook statuses etc, but haven't come up with much. Meanwhile, local police have arrested a 16-year-old in connection with the shooting.
BOBBY DAVRO PRETENDS TO HAVE SEX WITH A GIANT KANGAROO IN FRONT OF A CROWD OF CHILDREN
Broadly-speaking, there are two types of uncle. First there's the wise, sedate and noble guy – the David Attenborough figure – who leaves the mischief and the adult talk to the twinkle in his eyes when the kids are around.
Then there's Bobby Davro, a man who must have spent years watching nature programmes but has completely misconstrued the role they play in softly introducing kids to the realities of sex.
Which is presumably why he mimed getting taken from behind by a gigantic kangaroo at a pantomime in Preston this weekend.
The fact that Davro also pulled 'Chinaman' faces and accused the Chinese of eating dogs probably isn't as surprising as the fact that panto exists when it's not December.
Critics are lauding the show as: "The funniest thing Bobby Davro's been involved in since Keith Chegwin put him in the stocks and slammed him face-first into the ground".
A MAN SOMEWHERE TROPICAL WEARS AN ILL-ADVISED T-SHIRT
His situation isn't aided by his stance.
A MAN WHO WRITES BOOKS CALLS THE ROYAL FAMILY "PHILISTINES"
'Sneering' Martin Amis made a series of comments about the Monarchy and British society in general. Here they are in Monday-sensitive list format:
- Princes William and Harry "rebelled eight or nine years ago" by acting like lads, having drinks and listening to music and stuff.
- The royal wedding is Prince William caving in to the demands of his lineage by making a ceremony of himself.
- The media scrutiny and subsequent loss of privacy that the wedding will invite upon Prince William and his bride is bullshit.
- Africans will be "the most enthusiastic perhaps" of all the spectators on the streets of London on April 29th.
- The Queen doesn't listen to what you say to her.
- Prince Charles' laugh is "extraordinary, like a pig's snore."
- All the young women in Britain dream of becoming models.
SCHOOLGIRLS ARE BITCHES
A new report has confirmed what everyone already knew: Schoolboys are ladz who like hitting each other and having epic bantz, and schoolgirls are bitches who submit each other to daily psychological torture. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a picture of a genuine schoolgirl, by the way? Either most of the girls I found on Google image search are lying to me, or there are more serious problems in the British education system than a couple of 11-year-olds whispering to each other about how "fugly" Janie's new fringe is.
AS FAR AS I'M AWARE NO ONE FAMOUS DIED THIS WEEKEND
Which is weird, right? They've been created at such a exponential rate for the last 30 or 40 years that usually a couple are popping off every few days, but this weekend: nada.
Well done, famous people. Let's see if you can hold out 'til next week.