Lead image by Lia Kantrowitz. This article originally appeared on VICE US

Hello hungry readers,

This week I want to talk to you about frozen french fries, which I bake because I don't own a deep fryer. Can fries be called fries if they're not fried? "French bakes" seems more accurate. Can they even be called "french"? I've heard some people claim that Belgium was FF's point of origin. Anyway, here are my reviews of some frozen Belgian bakes.

My friend Cliff and I were incredibly stoned at the supermarket when I bought these. He kept saying he wanted to go outside because the supermarket was too much for him to deal with. He pointed out that Ore Ida was the best, but he ended up leaving my house before he could eat any.

These were definitely waffle fries. I still don't know what the purpose of differently-shaped fries is, but I don't discriminate. It's all the same garbage.

GRADE: A

These were large, large fries, like the kind you get when you're at a carnival or something. These were the greasiest of all the fries I tried. Their flavor reminded me of watching a bunch of art school kids taking photos of the parachute drop and other rundown shit around Coney Island. Interpret that however you want.

GRADE B+

I made these for my friends, but before I could try them, my greedy pig "friends" ate all of them. Here are their accounts of the fries.

Matt said: "Crunchy texture and surprisingly complex flavor. It was hard to imagine that they were ever frozen. The heat kind of made them soggy towards the end."

Helen said: "I ate these all the time as a kid, some were crunchy, none were too fatty or undercooked. They were spicy—must have been cajun."

Rachel said: "Those french fries! I don't have a sophisticated palate when it comes to tasting frozen french fries, but they were better than I expected and had a good, crispy outer layer with a good spice."

GRADE: A (I think?)

It's always odd when frozen food packaging advertises how crispy its contents are. Anything you put into the oven will usually get crispy, eventually. They didn't make the fries crispy, I did! There isn't a sign on my refrigerator advertising how tasty the food inside it is. I decide how tasty the food in my refrigerator is! I am the decider!

Anyway, I decided that Alexia's extra fancy French fries tasted like rosemary and were fairly crispy. When I served them to my guests, they didn't devour the whole plate as they had the previous week with the McCain fries, so I have to give them a lower grade.

GRADE: A-

Follow Nick Gazin on Instagram to see what he's eating.