
Annons
MICHELE BACHMANNBachmann worked for only four years outside of politics: as a lawyer for the IRS. “Well colour me amused,” is the sort of folksy aphorism she’d probably come out with about this deeply ironic fact, were it not one about her. As the Tea Party’s most obvious placeman, working for the IRS – the very symbol of big government tax & spend – is the exact opposite of her platform. So she’s spent a lot of time performing fairly shameless topspin on this one: “I went to work in that system because the first rule of war is ‘know your enemy’,” she declared. “So I went to learn how they work because I wanted to beat them.” This confused anyone with a memory span, because it contradicted something she'd said previously about turning to fiscal conservatism after gradually becoming attuned to how poorly run the IRS is. In summary: she spent four years looking for missing commas in affidavits, and would now like to run the Free World. Conclusion: There are people who’ve lived on the dole for 30 years who could take a lengthier CV down their local JobCentre than Bachmann. RICK PERRYRick Perry scraped a Bachelor of Science degree in ‘animal science’. It’s one of those terms that seems worryingly broad, isn't it? What exactly is it? Medical experiments? Did he spend five years tying tiny lead weights to cats, then dropping them off of rooftops, then slicing them open to test the impact velocity? Is that what’s behind that chiselled smile, Rick? Lots of dead cats that you greedily scooped off of the campus pavement and took back to the labs for an evening of pants-less dissection?
He then spent a few summers selling Bible reference books door-to-door, something he claims as a formative experience, and according to a former cohort (who is now a judge), he was "above average" in sales. This is great Republican blather: a) he met ""”’”Real People”’”’”’”; b) he sold them books which helped them understand where exactly Sodom was in relation to Gomorrah; and c) it seems like he (maybe) made a profit whilst doing it. After flying planes around in the Air Force, Dubya-style, and picking cotton on a farm for a spell, he somehow wound up with a property portfolio spanning the state of Texas. Wait, did I mention it was his (Reaganite) father's (goverment-subsidised) farm? I should probably mention that.
Conclusion: Rick Perry’s CV is that of an animal-loving, military-loving, God-loving, countryside-loving yet awesomely rich motherfucker. He’s like Republican Jesus if Republican Jesus weren’t already Jesus Jesus. If he'd spent more time sacking people in his life, he'd probably win January's primary by a landslide.Previously: Quango - Separating The Separatists
