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The Five Best People on Twitter

It's five years since Twitter first launched and what a half-decade it's been. In that time we've seen the complete democratisation of the Arab world… Stephen Fry… stuck in a lift… witty banter… Charlie Sheen, WTF?… 50 Cent, is he for real?… etc etc… Kanye's so arrogant… Courtney Love?!?… call me Dave… blah… and you can read about most of that here, here and here and pretty much inside any publication based here.

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Anyway, here's the Vice Best People To Follow Twitter Anniversary Feature!

1. ANJEM CHOUDARY

Times could have been tough for British Islamic extremism once Finsbury Park's hook-handed Jihadi frat boy Abu Hamza was sent to prison. But, while Abs spends his time converting his fellow prisoners, Anjem Choudary has stepped into the crater, becoming the UK's leading bearded public speaker. Can his natural charisma translate in 140 characters? Of course it can!

General Twitter Tone: He only started two days ago, but evil controversy seems to be his niche.

Definitive Tweet:

Follow Anjem Choudary

2. DAVID IRVING

David Irving represents the elite of Holocaust denial. He's the Michael Gambon of Zionist conspiracy. On the esoteric after-dinner speech circuit, he's known for debuking the claims of Nazi genocide so convincingly that Zyklon B has been served as a digestif.

General Twitter Tone: As you'd expect from a man who probably listens to loads of classical music, Irving doesn't waste his time hashtagging banality. Why would he when he could be pointing out evidence of a global Jewish media conspiracy to silence those brave enough to blame Israel for all the world's problems? Or flog his books by invoking the immolation of an entire city? Like a 12-year-old Dalmore Single Highland Malt, Irving is pure class.

Definitive Tweet:

Follow David Irving

3. MEGAN PHELPS-ROPER

The cutest member of the Westboro Baptist Church media machine has been helping God hate fags all her life, never letting that sugar-sweet smile slip.

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General Twitter Tone: Like most twenty-something girls, Megan spends a lot of time on Twitter fending off death threats from gay groups, American soldiers, and pretty much everyone with an inability to take her in-your-face bigotry and apocalyptic judgmental proselytising with good humour. In the last 24 hours she's been engaged in an incomprehensible argument about the morality of haircuts, stopping occasionally to joke about iPads and drop some Latin lols.

Definitive Tweet:

Follow Megan Phelps

4. MAURY DAVIS

Oh nice one Vice, pick on the Christian preachers. What a bunch of unimaginative liberal turds you are – couldn't you think of a harder target for your socialist judgment, like, I dunno, a convicted murderer!

Well, that's the beauty of Maury Davis. With Maury Davis, not only do you get an American conservative Christian preacher, but you also get a convicted murderer! In 1975 Maury lured a woman in her fifties into an abandoned house and stabbed her so brutally in the neck that he basically decapitated her. At court he pleaded Satanic possession and dodged the chair. Nowadays though, after a reflective period in prison, he's a much happier fellow. Having discovered Christ he's turned his life around and is now the millionaire leader of the Nashville Cornerstone Church! It's the feel-good story of the Millennium.

General Twitter Tone: As you'd expect from one of God's most glorious children, he's a walking sunrise of positivity and family values. A dove on a keyboard couldn't conjure anything this serene.

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Definitive Tweet:

Follow Maury Davis

5. EXODUS

Gay and disgusted by yourself? Rightly so, but resist the urge to kill yourself for now. Even though you certainly deserve an early death followed by an eternity being ironically sodomised by Satan and the Premium Members of his fan club, there is hope. Exodus is the leading light of homosexual purification, offering the penitent gay salvation through their teaching, support and iPhone apps.

General Twitter Tone: Rudimentary. Like many fringe cults, Exodus have failed to realise the possiblity of utilising social media beyond its capacity as a traffic driver. In fact, most major religions these days recognise that social media destinations need to be content hubs rather than tools to push traffic back to a parent site. Social spaces are essentially an extension of 'owned' properties, not a separate mechanism and building loyalty here is equally – if not more important – than driving repentant queers back to a website. Listen Exodus, Twitter enables you to have direct conversations with your audience of conflicted conservative suicidals; so why waste it on promotional puff?

Definitive Tweet:

Follow Exodus

ALEX MILLER