Around 30 years ago, some guy jerked off into a cup and the sperm was frozen until a team of doctors dethawed it and injected it into some lady’s egg that was in a petri dish or something. When the egg started to split into cells, they shoved it back into the lady’s womb with like a turkey baster or at least a medical instrument that is not unlike a turkey baster. And then, voilà! Jayce Newton was born. He’s a real, live test-tube baby! Vice: Did you always know that you were the product of artificial insemination, or did you just think that your father wasn’t around?

Jayce Newton: Why did your mom choose artificial insemination? Is she a man-hating lesbian? So was she able to customize you? Did she get what she asked for? I mean, you’re white so that’s probably the Scotch-Irish thing nailed. And how tall are you? Not bad, not bad. What’s your IQ? Pretty smart. But have you always been so open about the fact that you were made in a laboratory? What did you tell everyone? What did your friends say when you finally told them? Do you know who your father is? Could you find out who he is if you wanted to? These days sperm banks are pretty selective about their donors. Was the one that you’re from selective, or do you think they let homeless junkies covered in scabs donate their seed too? How much money were they offering? Would you ever do it? Do you think a sperm donor should have rights? Would you rather have an absent junkie father who spent most of his life in a halfway house or a non-dad such as you have?
That’s preferable? Do you really have no interest in meeting your father or is that just a cover-up because you’re scared of breaking down in tears at his feet? How could you not?
But you wouldn’t be.