FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

News

The Hangover News

Manchester City conquered English football this weekend, but you were too busy trying to conquer your toilet to notice.
14.5.12

Sport

IT WAS ANOTHER TEDIOUS WEEK IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE

Season snores to a close as Man City pull off routine victory to seal title

(via)
Manchester City are the new champions of English football. They beat QPR 3-2 at the Etihad Arena on Sunday to win their first league title in 44 years. After ten months of football that felt scripted by M. Night Shyamalan on a khat binge, City went into Saturday at the summit of the table. They were level with rivals Manchester United on points but significantly ahead on goal difference, the next statistic used to discern a side's superiority. United's game against Sunderland had already finished when City's 90 minutes were up – Alex Ferguson's reigning champs had won 1-0, meaning that City had to find two goals from somewhere in injury time to avoid a dreaded final-day leapfrog. It wasn't looking likely. Perhaps already feeling the pressure of Ferguson's strangely sweatless palms upon their back, City had looked devoid of ideas when their Bosnian forward Edin Dzeko planted the ball into QPR's net with his £27m forehead. Game on. Or, more accurately, game on and off and on and off and on and off and on again. And then, two minutes later, four minutes into the five allotted for injury time, the ball emerged from a scrum of limbs to Sergio Aguero. The gopherish Argentinian forward declined Nedum Onuoha's studs' offer of a penalty and deposited the ball past 'keeper Paddy Kenny with the aplomb you'd expect from a man who deposits £200k in his bank every week. They'd done it! City had won! The English football team most quixotically and fatalistically in love with their own failure had overcome themselves to not fail. Aguero tore off his shirt and whirled it over his head like a man trying to flag down a taxi in a war zone. People everywhere cried. Across the board, commentators rose to the occasion magnificently. Phil Jones gurned in agony. Liam Gallagher exuded a level of joy that he deemed it acceptable to exude. And when it was all over, QPR celebrated too, because even though they'd lost, they had not been relegated! Bolton had, joining sad Wolves and pathetic Blackburn next year in the penny arcade that is the Championship. Once again, football's capacity for chaos had helped show up all those other sports as hopelessly out-of-their-depth. War
TWO BRITISH MEN FROM NATO WERE SHOT DEAD BY AFGHAN POLICE
It appears that they held some kind of a grudge

(via)
A soldier and an RAF airman were shot dead by Afghan police in Helmand Province on Saturday. The two men were standing guard outside a meeting between local officials. It is believed that one of the gunmen was killed by his Afghan police colleagues, while the second escaped. They aren't sure just yet what the motives were, but it's likely that either the men had political grudges and had infiltrated the Afghan police force purely to kill Western soldiers more easily, or had developed some kind of personal grudge with the victims. Crime
MEXICAN POLICE FOUND 49 DECAPITATED AND MUTILATED BODIES IN BAGS BY THE SIDE OF A ROAD
Looks like this one's drug related, guys

Annons

(via)
On Sunday, police found 49 bodies by the side of a road near Monterrey and the American border. They'd all had their heads, hands and feet cut off. Guess what: The murders are probably related to drugs. Drugs gangs often pull high-visibility stunts like this as warnings to their rivals, though in this instance authorities aren't ruling out the possibility that they were migrants who suffered in a horribly botched border-crossing. Graffiti found near the site taking responsibility for the massacre looks like it was left by the Zetas drug cartel. Crime
MEANWHILE, IN ENGLAND
A woman had an argument with a man on a bicycle

(via)
Apparently he was holding up traffic.

Media
KATE MIDDLETON RAN IN SHOES
OMG OMG OMG

(via)
Kate Middleton ran in shoes this weekend. The shoes were extraordinarily large, reports the Mail. They also pointed out a lump on the back of her calf. I don't know why, because I didn't read the article, but if you do know why please tell me in the comments before you shoot yourself so that Mail Online has both our blood on its hands. Entertainment
THE MOST TALENTED PERSON IN BRITAIN IS A DOG
It dances like a human

(via)
A dog called Pudsey and its assistant won televised show-off competition Britain's Got Talent on Saturday night. The pair performed a dance routine. Which you can see above.