Meat Whiplash

My friend’s dad is a refugee from Uruguay, but since things got better there after the military dictatorship ended, it’s become totally OK to visit and hang out there again. The sweetest thing he remembers from back then are the meat parties that they used to throw. They’ve been doing them for as long as he can remember. It’s one of the greatest Uruguayan traditions ever. If you have 12 hours and a bucket of cash to spend, it’s meat party time! You start out with a three meter long grill and about two kilos of meat per person. With an average of 10 people, that’s 20 kilograms (about 44 pounds) of meat. Think of it as eating an average 10 year old kid. You get things going at around eight at night, and for starters you all order a pizza. The pizza delivery guys in Uruguay all ride around on little mopeds and the pizzas are square with no crust. You know, like the pizza you get in school on pizza day, or those small, frozen, one person pizzas. They’re like that, except they’re a lot bigger, like regular pizza size. You won’t be frowned upon if you put olive oil and salt on your pie for extra flavour, and they even have these weird bread things that you put on top of it to make it easier to grip and you won’t get greasy, turning it into a pizza sandwich. They call that a “saddle.” I’ve eaten it and even though it’s handy it doesn’t taste too good. After the pizza is done you start grilling the meat. They only have beef. There are a lot of cows in Uruguay, and that’s pretty much the only meat you’ll eat when you’re there. The only exception is chorizo sausages, which are made from pig, but other than that, beef is boss. Even though there is about two kilos of meat for each person, everyone always bring bonus meat with them to the party. And obviously you get more respect the more you eat. My friend didn’t need to eat for two days after his first real meat party. But I picked up this trick in France and know that GRAPPA really helps the digestion. Another weird thing is that they only drink soda or beer, which should be really bad if you want to eat a lot of food. After eating and eating and all the food is gone, they still have the energy to play soccer (FOOTBALL to us Scandos). This usually happens around 12 at night. I mean, whenever I go on a pig out I get super duper tired, so it’s crazy that they can do sports AFTER going nuts on just meat! But I guess it figures, Uruguay people are crazy for soccer. When Australia played there like last year, all their gear and luggage was stolen and they were forced to live in some shitbag hotel. But that’s another story. PATRICK CROTTY