The smoking gun.
Oh no. How are we going to get out of this one, Robbie? Did you forget that last night, when you allegedly “inappropriately touched” and then made a “suggestive remark” to former mayoral candidate Sarah Thompson that today is International Women’s Day? I’m not sure how things work over at the Ford family compound, but on International Women’s Day, you’re supposed to not ogle, harness the privilege of your male gaze and/or sexually harass your former political opponents. While you are the undisputed King of Toronto, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re able to go around playing grab-ass at a fundraiser held by the Canadian Jewish Public Affairs Committee.
As if all of this wasn’t bad enough, it certainly didn’t help that King Robbie allegedly told Sarah Thompson that she “should have been with him in Florida” because his wife wasn’t around. Robbie my man, Florida is probably full of eligible babes who would love to get down with Canadian royalty. Why are you trying to magnetise such devastating controversy? I don’t know if I’m emotionally capable of handling another attempt to have you fired again. You caused such a scene last night that Sarah even took to her Facebook page to write “Seriously wanted to punch him in the face. Happy International Women’s Day!” Not good press with the ladies, my man. Not good press at all.
Robbie my dude, clearly you were wasted. Maybe it’s time you learn how to control your alcohol intake. Have a big ol’ chicken sandwich beforehand. That will soak up all the margaritas and jager bombs. Feel free to come by VICE Canada HQ anytime, we’ll give you some drinking lessons. I mean, it appears that you can barely even keep your eyes open. You look like you’re going to fall over.
Also, you need to get your staff in check. Mark Towhey, King Robbie’s Chief of Staff, put Sarah’s allegations into doubt because she was “smiling.” C’mon dude. No victim blaming allowed on International Women’s Day. Did you set an iCal to remind you to leave the ladies alone, just this once? At least Marky Towhey has smart aesthetic sensibilities and is on our side about your very serious photographer problem.
I wonder what inspired that response?
I mean, just look at the photo on top of this article. What did I tell you about getting a better photographer? Whoever this person is, they are totally out to get you. Sure, you may not be the most photogenic guy on the block… Everyone blinks in photos here and there, but I think the camera your aide is using has the “sweaty red skin” filter on. Just turn that shit to auto and let it ride!
The fallout for this has been, of course, not so good. The Toronto Star is running the sweaty pink photo on their front page and I’m sure they are just racking in the hits right now as people LOL and ROFL at the unfortunate snapshot of Robbie making a big mistake. Even if King Rob is completely innocent, this is basically like the episode of The Simpsons where Homer is falsely accused of being a pervert. He wasn’t a pervert. He was just trying to grab a sweet gummi Venus di Milo off the butt of a young babysitter. But because he was sweaty and fat and kind of brutish, the public court decided he was guilty. That is, until Groundskeeper Willie revealed himself as a shameless peeping Tom with a CAMERA THAT RECORDED HIS TRUE INNOCENCE.
An unfortunate resemblance.
I’m sorry for the all-caps there Robbie, but do you see the pattern here? If you would just listen to us and get yourself a proper photographer then maybe this all wouldn’t have happened. Perhaps there is another side of the story (though it doesn’t sound like there is, sorry bruh, don’t throw your wife under the bus like that and invite strange ex-mayoral candidates to your sweet beach pad in Florida) but no one will ever know that because all we have to work on is a close-up, blurry, crappy looking photo of you that makes you seem like a major perv.
Geez man. We all know over here at VICE Canada HQ that you’re the number 1 mayor of all time. There is no one even holding a candle to your epic reign of performance art and football coaching excellence, but at some point you need to scale back the joke a bit and just enjoy your throne.
Please don’t touch any more butts in the near future and for god’s sake, throw up a Craigslist ad for a personal photographer. Just walk down to Ryerson University and hand out flyers. You’ll find somebody.
Follow Patrick on Twitter: @patrickmcguire