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Justin Bieber is the Rockstar We’ve All Been Waiting For

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One day, Liam Gallagher’s stream of consciousness will be exhausted as a revenue outlet for the music press and on that day the world will look to a new mouthy rockstar to shout at, criticise, and generally add a shade of Technicolor to our monochromatic lives. But, who’s going to stand up to the test? Dave Grohl is busy leading sensible key notes at worldwide media events, Radiohead are all old men arguing about computer software and the recent crop of guitar bands – Bastille or The 1975 let’s say – are less opinionated than an indifferent teaspoon.

Whether you like him, you beliebe in him, or you devote your free time to informing the rest of YouTube why he’s the worst thing to happen to music, it cannot be disputed that Justin Bieber is that rockstar. While other youngsters his age are still figuring out how to make spaghetti bolognese without their mother’s help, Bieber is using his net worth of $130 million to buy pet monkeys, get away with punching photographers and generally ignoring all the good manners he learnt in Disney-tween abstinence camp. He is the global music scene’s new bad boy and he’s dripping in swagu.

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I’m not messing around. For those who like to be bound by factual reasoning, let’s start by taking a look at the Urban Dictionary definition of a rockstar: “They tour around the world to play their music while getting worshipped by fans. After the concert they fuck a bunch of groupies and leave for their next gig while taking some drugs. Man… I wish I was a rockstar”

Sound familiar? It’s because Bieber ticks all the boxes of the definition. In the past year he’s played in over 50 different countries, reportedly puffed the devil’s lettuce with Lil’ Twist, and was rumoured to have fathered a child with a 27-year-old fan. He basically does what he wants. Like…

Spitting on his fans. This weekend, the above photo surfaced, which reportedly shows the Biebz spitting off a hotel balcony. Could there be anything more representative of dumbfounded rock’n’roll bravado than hurling phlegm on to a legion of adoring teenage girls that provide your paycheque?

Well, there’s his attitude toward the press for a start. When I think about rock stars, I don’t think about JAY Z concreting a deal with a telecommunications company, or Mick Jagger charging a weeks pay for an evening of entertainment that requires binoculars. Instead, I think about John Lydon saying fuck on the telly, or Tom Waits being blasted on national television. In a similar way, despite his mainstream appeal, Bieber doesn’t give a dollar-bill coated shit. He’ll create carmaggedon to confront paparazzi, lash out at them when in arms reach, or, if he’s in his Ferrari, run them over. It’s not the right way of going about things, but it’s a lot more interesting than hearing Kings Of Leon repeat the same three press-approved statements in every interview.

I’m not saying Bieber is Keith Richards 2.0 but he’s at least indulging in a bunch of wild’n’out extra curricular activities, like, attempting to travel into space or adopting (and leaving) at least five different species of animal across the world. Biebz stared into the butthole of an endangered baby snow leopard, and gave away his baby hamster, Pac, to an unsuspecting fan. Is there anything more rock’n’roll than breaking hearts?

Like Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, great rockstars of the past that are no longer sentient, Bieber enjoys turning up hours late to concerts and pissing off parents whose kids have school in the morning. And isn’t the sole purpose of a rockstar to annoy your parents? He’s not just turning up late because he’s clipping his nails, or refusing to play on a farm – holla Wiley – though. He’s pissing in buckets, or flipping the bird to political figures, giving even more fuel to Bieber’s soon-to-be-rockstar status.

Essentially, even if you don’t think that “Boyfriend” is the best song that N*Sync never wrote, Justin, with his five Billboard topping albums, his household-name presence, and his mainstay in the media, combined with his off-the-rails, do-whatever-the-fuck-I-want attitude, makes him the rockstar that we need. As Liam himself once said, “I’ve got Justin Bieber’s fucking back man, anyone two hours late for a gig, is right in my book.”

Follow Ryan on Twitter @RyanBassil

Read more on Bieber:

Justin Bieber Got Caught Smoking a Blunt This Weekend (And It Made Us Like Him)

Has Justin Bieber Gone Off The Rails?

James Franco Recorded a Weird Justin Bieber Parody

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