Dicksplosion!

In 1983, three boys from Lindsfield, New Jersey, named Anthony Bazzo, Joey Roach, and Chris “Lil’ Chris” Thames formed the postpunk band Fuck Me in My Condo. Their path to success included huge crests and valleys, but thankfully they all lived to tell the tale. They’re still gritty rock ’n’ rollers who never gave up the dream or the pledge to live the life of the troubadour—no home but the music itself, and the rest, well, that just killed the pain. Anthony’s memoir, Explosive: A Rock ’n’ Roll Life, has just come out on Planet Manic Press. Here’s a little taste. We were in the Liberty Hotel the third time my dick exploded (technically called a corpus cavernosum penis rupture, most common with bulls). It happens because of fucking a lot. The first time it happened, I was scared for my life. The second time, it was my fault entirely; and the third time, I was just plain annoyed. If you’ve never had your dick explode, then you could never understand what it feels like. There’s not a lot of pain when it happens. Actually, it kinda feels good, like that feeling you get when you pop a zit on your thigh or get earwax removed or pop a canker sore in the back of your mouth. At the time it happens, no big deal. It’s the aftermath that really sucks. First off, the recovery time is like six weeks. That means no fucking for six weeks. That’s how the second time my dick explosion happened. I didn’t wait the full six weeks and it exploded again. Fortunately, I had experienced it before so I knew right away to hightail it to the emergency room. The girl was certainly freaked out, though, because there’s a ton of blood. Let’s put it this way: Blood and sex don’t mix unless you’re a vampire, and I might sleep all day and drink, eat, and fuck all night, but I ain’t no vampire. Anyway, the third time I was in Toronto and was fucking missionary style (the only way for me to ride it out long-time) and pop, my dick exploded again. This time I was basically like, “C’mon, are you serious?” It’s like when you’re in line at the market and they close down the register when you’re one away from it and you’ve been in line for ten minutes already and you’re like, “Wait, I just waited for nothing and now I gotta start all over again, what the fuck?!” Now, I got like Franken-dick with all the surgeries, but hey, I’m not going to lie, I realize that it’s just one of the pitfalls of rock ’n’ roll and I wouldn’t change the past if I could. I look down at my dick now and I see all those scars and it represents all the fucking I’ve done. It’s like nature’s tattoo. I’m proud of the fact my dick exploded all those times. It’s like rock ’n’ roll is a war and those are my war wounds and I won the Purple Heart for fucking pussy. Vice recently visited Fuck Me in My Condo for an interview at their studio in Lindsfield. Here’s what happened… Vice: I read that before you were Fuck Me in My Condo, you were called Fuck Me Without a Condom.
Chris “Lil’ Chris” Thames: At first we were called Joey’s Closet because that’s where we would go to get high, then after about a year or so, Anthony wanted to change our band name to Fuck Me Without a Condom because it was something he said to his girlfriend, not to mention that it was something everyone liked to do. It felt more real and impactful, like our music, and anyway people thought Joey’s Closet meant that Joey was gay, and that was the furthest thing from reality then. Then?
Chris: Joey’s bisexual, but we didn’t find out till ’88. And when did you change your name to Fuck Me in My Condo?
Joey Roach: In ’89, after we got our deal with Atlantic Records.
Anthony Bazzo: They made us change it.
Chris: Yeah, we were really against it, but the label felt that because AIDS was such a big deal then…
Joey: …and still is.
Anthony: Not really, except in Africa.
Chris: Anyway, they felt that Fuck Me Without a Condom sent the wrong message.
Joey: Yeah, and Anthony had just bought a condo so we were all like, “Why don’t we change the name to Fuck Me in My Condo instead of Without a Condom?” It sounded similar and Anthony’s condo was a huge part of the band’s life then. It was where we partied. How did the song “Hole in My Dick” come about?
Chris: That is a crazy story.
Joey: One night after a show, we went to the condo to party and Anthony, Chris, and I had our fuck moccasins on. Chris and I were fucking Anthony’s girlfriend (with his blessing) when she looked over and saw Anthony rump-running some other chick and she flipped out. She couldn’t stand to see Anthony disrespecting another woman. They had crazy arguments and she was über-jealous. She had tried to kill herself maybe 30 times. Anyway, they argued for a while and she ended up making Anthony fuck the girl vaginally, which he hated. The next day when Anthony woke up, he found that his dick had been nailed to a coffee table. There were a bunch of people who could have done it, but we never found out who did. Anyway, that’s how “Hole in My Dick” came about. Anthony wrote the lyrics and Chris wrote the music.
Anthony: Most people thought it was about a lover forlorn, but it wasn’t really. It was actually about an actual hole in my dick. Are all your songs about sex?
Chris: Sex was a huge part of our lives back then, and yes, most of our songs were about sex.
Anthony: “Steel Penis” was about sex.
Joey: “Battle of the Bulges” was about sex, not about weight loss or World War II.
Chris: “Clam Digging” was about eating pussy.
Joey: “Swab the Deck” was about the sponge, which was a female contraceptive device nobody uses anymore.
Anthony: And “QUEEF” was about queefs but we made it into an acronym that stands for “Queefs Upset Every Enjoyable Fuck.”
Chris: “North of the Border,” though, was about Iran-Contra, not about tit fucking.
Anthony: Also, “The Grass Is Always Greener” was about pussy hair and not about pot.
Chris: Yeah, and “Bush-Hunters” was about the CIA and not about pussy.
Anthony: Yes, but “Hair of the Dog” was about bushy pussies and not about alcohol. Was “Head to Head” about two dicks touching?
Anthony: No, that was about getting head from one girl, then switching to immediately getting head from another one.
Joey: “Generation Z” was about a girl giving head to a guy while the guy gives head to another girl.
Anthony: “Lollipop Surprise” was about the time I was getting head from this girl, then saw a hard-on in her underwear, only to find out that she was a he…
Joey: …and “Lollipop Surprise Reprise” was about me sucking that girl’s dick.
Chris: “Between Your Legs” was not about pussy, but about Bill Buckner missing that slow grounder Mookie hit that was the catalyst for the Mets winning it all.
All: [chanting] METS, METS, METS…
Chris: “Roughin’ It” was about the time Joey put cocaine and peanut butter on his dick and made his dog lick it off.
Joey: “Rest in Denise” was about Anthony falling asleep every time he fucked this German chick named Petra, but we changed her name to Denise so it would rhyme with “peace.”
Chris: “Heaven’s Doggie Door” was about Joey’s dog dying.
Joey: “French Fried” was about being tired on tour in France.
Anthony: “Cum Finger” was about cumming on a girl’s ring finger and making her let it dry and congeal there.
Chris: “Hot Tubs” was about fucking fat girls.
Anthony: “Window Pain” was about my room when I was a kid, and “Register to Poke” was about changing the age of consent to 15. What’s next for FMiMC?
Chris: We are recording a jazz album right now called Scar Lines, which is a bunch of instrumentals we’ve written in the past few years about fucking chicks who’ve had lipo. Watch for more from Fuck Me in My Condo on VIce Tv. one of these days…