This article originally appeared on VICE US
Hello. My name's Nick Gazin and I am VICE's frozen food editor. And the art editor too, I guess. All my life I've hated eating food, and then one day I started liking food and immediately turned into the blob I see every time I mistakenly pass by a mirror. Now I show the food who is boss with my review column. It's my revenge on the food for making me fat. Fuck you, food!
The most easily-prepared foods are breakfast foods. Hot cereal, cold cereal, fried eggs, hard boiled eggs, soft boiled eggs, omelettes, quiche, poached eggs, eggs Benedict, tostadas, scrambles, french toast, pancakes, coffee, other types of eggs, juice, fresh fruit, grits, biscuits, and yogurt are all prepared with minimal fuss. All frozen breakfast foods seem like a bad, impractical idea to me. But I'm not here to avoid the food mistakes, I'm here to eat them.
Aunt Jemima Croissant Sandwiches
The package came with two sandwiches. I microwaved the first for a minute and fifteen seconds. It was not unlike the similarly-prepared sandwiches you get at Dunkin' Donuts. The croissants are chewier than you might expect, but that's fine. The cost and time investment are low, so I wasn't expecting some miracle sandwich. It was good.
I cooked the second sandwich in the oven which involves waiting for the oven to preheat, disassembling the sandwich and then cooking it at 350 degrees for 25 minutes on a sheet of tinfoil. Then I had to put the top croissant half back on and cook it for five more minutes. This seems nuts to me. I could make a fresh version of this sandwich in maybe fifteen minutes. But I'm a professional, so I indulged the box's directions.
After taking a half hour to make this retarded sandwich, the croissant was too crunchy. If you buy these, just microwave them.
Fans of my frozen food reviews often make jokes about how they feel bad for my guts, or pity my toilet. For the most part, I don't have tummy distress from the frozen things I consume in the name of journalism. These sandwiches made me pretty ill though.
Kellogg's Eggo Breakfast Sandwiches - Ham, Egg & Cheese
The "waffle-style bread" had the consistency of warmed Play-Doh. The egg disc was OK. The cheese was terrible. The ham was the only element that wasn't mushy, but it still resisted the bite of my teeth. Ultimately, this doesn't seem like food. It's more like a thing a small child would construct, and you should just pretend to eat in profile while you pass it behind your face.
Aunt Jemima - Scrambled Eggs and Sausage with Hash Brown Potato
The scrambled eggs had the consistency of styrofoam pebbles. I accidentally flipped them all over my living room with my fork because they're so dry and pellet-like. The sausages aren't the best I've had, but I was able to eat them. The hash brown was soft and resembled greasy potato waste, pressed into the approximate size of an iPhone—similar to the kind I get at my corner deli. Making this actual breakfast the normal way would take most people ten minutes. Has anyone bought this thing twice? A banana is an OK breakfast, and cheaper.
Aunt Jemima - Homestyle French Toast
I liked eating this very much, but I had covered them in butter and maple syrup. It's hard not to enjoy some fat and sugar and gluten and hydrogenated oils. The center of the toasts were soft like a new catcher's mitt. The crust remained tough and chewy like an old catcher's mitt. But you shouldn't start the day with a ton of sugar. My normal breakfast (when off duty) typically includes three boiled eggs, coffee, and a banana. It is stupid easy to make, and is definitely way healthier than this thing I ate.
Those are my reviews of frozen breakfast foods. I feel awful. Follow me on Instagram and check back next week—my review column will probably be about chicken nuggets, or some other thing that's poisoning my body.