What's Going On in the New Rob Ford Video?

This has been a terrible week for the Rob Ford administration. On Tuesday afternoon, Ford admitted that he has smoked crack cocaine, which inspired a nearly unanimous string of mockery from every late-night TV host and Twitter account owner in the world. More importantly, that admission, after months of question-dodging and denial, sounded more like a proverbial fuck you to the City of Toronto and its many hard working councillors and employees who aren't currently embroiled in a crack related crime scandal.

Then, about an hour after the crack admission, VICE reported that Amin Massoudi, Rob Ford’s spokesman, allegedly hired a hacker to destroy the crack tape on a private server – an allegation that Amin denied hours after we published our investigation, despite not answering several of our very specific requests for comment days before.

The Toronto media has been blue-balling the public all week with hints that there are more bombshells to come, and that’s not surprising. The 474-page surveillance document released last week is so heavily redacted with swaths of thick black ink that clearly there are more, presumably ridiculous, revelations to come. As a journalist, it’s somewhat thrilling. As a Torontonian, it’s exhausting and sad.

Today, the Toronto Sun beat the Toronto Star (by a few minutes, and the Star – who actually paid for the video – has a longer and clearer cut) to reveal a video that shows Rob Ford, who, if I were to hazard a complete guess, appears to be intoxicated on some kind of speedy substance. In the video, Rob’s yelling and screaming and touching himself while threatening “first degree murder” on an unknown person. There appears to be at least two other people in the room, one who is quietly and secretly filming Rob Ford, and another who is speaking to Rob off camera. Almost immediately after the Toronto Star’s post went live, Rob Ford apologised for being “extremely, extremely inebriated” and said he is “extremely sorry”.

Given that Mark Towhey, Rob Ford’s former Chief of Staff, has publicly alleged there is a connection between the crack tape and the killing of Anthony Smith, it’s pretty easy to get excited (if it’s exciting to consider that the mayor of the largest city in Canada might be a murderer) and presume that there is a crack connection somewhere within this sad, angry video rant. But, let’s consider the fact we are also observing the ravings of a man who has not only smoked crack cocaine but has also arm wrestled Hulk Hogan, just for the fuck of it.

Here are some choice quotes from the video.

“Fuck, when he’s dead, you will help make sure that motherfucker’s dead.”

This does not sound good whatsoever. Even if Ford were talking about arm wrestling Hulk Hogan, it seems a bit harsh to call one of history’s greatest professional wrestlers a “motherfucker” and threaten his life. I thought Rob was a Hulkamaniac? And if this were a matter of getting charged up before going to a lighthearted arm wrestling match, he’s taking it pretty fucking seriously. But I guess that’s just the extreme inebriation talking.

“I am a sick motherfucker, dude. Like, no one’s going to fuck around with me. My brothers are, don’t tell me, we’re liars, thieves, birds?”

Well, this one is confusing. Sick motherfucker – OK, sure; this is the same guy who showed a group of school children his aquarium one day after publicly admitting to smoking crack cocaine. Saying that "no one is going to fuck around" with him is pretty cocky given that City Council might ask the Province of Ontario to fire him. And as for his brothers, it’s not clear if he’s alleging that this person he’s angry at has been unfairly calling his brothers kleptomaniac, flying creatures who are allergic to the truth – or if he’s literally saying his brothers are kleptomaniac, flying creatures who are allergic to the truth.

“I need fucking ten minutes to make sure he’s dead.”

Much like the microwave instructions for a frozen TV dinner, the time with which Rob Ford appears to require for murder is very precise. If murder, in this case, is just a euphemism for something else, he’s really got to work on perfecting a lighter tone.

“That prick’s a little racist fuck, daddy… 80-year-old birds.”

So far, on record, Rob Ford has not had an adversary go after him for his caucasian-ness, so I couldn't even hazard a guess as to who this little racist prick fuck is. Nor do I know who Rob Ford’s daddy may be, in this particular scenario. As for his last comment about 80-year-old birds, perhaps birds refers to “women”, but – again – I have no idea how this so-called little racist prick fuck relates to some sweet elderly women, who just happened to cross into Rob’s extremely inebriated mind at the time this video was shot.

“I just need to go, fucking by myself, in my fucking underwear. I want to go with this guy. I need 15 minutes, that’s all. No fucking interference, brother.”

The idea of Rob Ford “going with this guy” in his fucking underwear sounds vaguely sexual, but given the aggressive tenor of this video I can’t imagine Rob Ford’s intentions are romantic. It certainly appears as if he’s demanding a one-on-one fight, wherein Rob Ford will be nearly naked, with the previously mentioned prick racist. It’s not clear if the voice off-camera is the person who will be permitting him to start such a fight, but he responds by saying: “These kids are pros, buddy.” Which seems to indicate he does not have much faith in the mayor’s duelling abilities.

“I’m gonna prepare for it. I will call it. And I will fucking be in that ring.”

This is certainly telling, as it appears to indicate Rob’s desire to commit “first degree murder” will occur in some sort of boxing or wrestling ring. As far as I know, Rob Ford does not have any history with boxing or wrestling, so I don’t know what this would actually refer to in the real, sober world, but maybe there’s some explanation for all of this violent threatening, besides Rob’s admission that he was really, really fucked up.

Otherwise, I suppose we just have to wait for the next video to leak and hope for some type of force to knock this guy out of the mayor’s office as soon as possible. Follow Patrick on Twitter: @patrickmcguire

More from the star of the story that keeps on giving:

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