This week I was tortured like an Iraqi P.O.W., nearly killed by a car, run from my home by flood waters, received an award, made a music video and got a visit from Jerry Hsu. Needless to say it’s been a weird week around the Nieratko house.

First off I finally got my troublesome wisdom tooth removed. It’s needed to come out for some time but the oral surgeon I was referred to wanted $1,000 American dollars to remove it because I had no insurance. In the ongoing attempt to not bite my nails and live longer for my son I decided to Google around and see if I could find anyone to do it cheaper. There was a guy within a mile from home that charged me A FIFTH of the original quoted price. How could he do it so cheap?

Well, he uses tools from the final scene of Braveheart and local anesthesia (not very much of it). The last time I got wisdom teeth pulled I was out cold. This time I was wide awake and watched as the surgeon pushed my head away from him with one hand while pulling my wisdom tooth towards him with a set of pliers. After five minutes, a lot of blood and cracking sounds I won’t soon forget, my tooth was out and I was given a lollipop.

The next day I was walking Benny the comic dog around my neighborhood when an Asian woman in a grey mini van cut the inside lane making a left and missed hitting me at 45-mph by six inches. You know how they say your whole life flashes before you in those moments of near death? That didn’t happen to me. I just got pissed off and charged her car. She rolled down the window and kept repeating, “Me so sorry, me so sorry.” I told her to open her eyes wider when she drives.

I was shook up for most of the day afterwards but it all seemed to fade away when UPS dropped off my WORLD’S GREATEST LOVER award I’d won from Lovers Quarterly. I put it on my mantle next to my WORLD’S GREATEST SECRETARY award and all my others.

Speaking of Asians, Vice’s favorite photographer Jerry Hsu stopped by my house to show me he was wearing the NJ shirt I sent him.

On Saturday, God got pissed off that this Health Care Reform Bill won’t shit or get off the pot and so he smited us with floods and famine. Eight inches of rain fell in just a few hours, we lost power and heat and we were so hungry that I had to go to a diner. At that moment I could really relate to those starving children in Africa on those commercials that keep bumming my kid out during The Wonder Pets. (Hey Sally Struthers! Make my kid cry again and I’ll find you, you fat pig!).

I saw a police car submerged in water. All the lights on all the highways were out. It was like the wild wild west with cars flying through intersections with no regard for cross-traffic. The entire experience reeked of a bad horror movie. Especially when I got home with the food and realised they’d given me chicken instead of shrimp.

After one night under the blankets we were forced from our home. We had to go sleep at my mum’s for three days until our power came back on. It was like Katrina x Haiti but only worse because I couldn’t my Nintendo WII.

On St. Patrick’s Day my kid got totally wasted, I don’t know where he got the stuff; I didn’t give it to him.

At some point we made this music video for Spike Jonze but we haven’t gotten around to laying the music in yet.

When we finally were able to come home my wife and I decided to relax in a bubble bath in the hot tub. The baby was cute as a button as he tried to drink the water and eat the bubbles.

We all felt kind rebellious that we ignored the news advisory to boil all water for fear of bacteria from the flooding. As I told the baby say, I could see his immune system strengthening. He’s gonna be a tough kid when he gets older.

CHRIS NIERATKO

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